Commitment. It’s not a word that is very popular today. Ads will frequently say: Free for 30 days. No commitment. No long term contract. This is a reflection of our culture as it celebrates the freedom of choice.
However, on the topic of marriage relationships, commitment should be a treasured word. There is freedom in knowing that your life partner will stick with you for infinite days – in good times and bad.
Strong marriages make strong families. Commitment is worth it. It is worthwhile it to invest in our marriages. This was God’s design – what we choose to do with God’s design us up to us.
THE MASTER GARDENER
When Joyce and I run errands or go on our weekly dates, people often ask me, “What is the secret to your long marriage?” I will often reply, “For two to make it, it takes three . . . and it is best if He is divine!”
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12 [NLT]
. . . A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
In Genesis 2, God recognized that this was not good for man to be alone so he created a woman to be his suitable helper. By keeping God in the center of our marriage relationship, we are stronger because we are aligned in values and beliefs. It is God who sustains us (not our spouse) and transforms us (when we need to make a change). Being rooted and built up in Jesus Christ (not my spouse) is the element that keeps our triple-braided marriage cord committed and strong.
WEDDING AND WEEDING
I came with seeds from my upbringing, and some weeds compete with healthy plants.
What might need uprooting to maintain a healthy and committed marriage?
- Bringing old relationships into the marriage (Example: wounds from mom, dad, ex-boy/girlfriend)
- Distrusting our spouse because of past experiences
- Treating spouse poorly
- Focusing on the negatives
PLANTING COMMITMENT
A healthy, committed relationship is founded on similar values in order for a couple to thrive together through the years. Some of these values are part of your upbringing and others you establish on your own. Your values are challenged when you live with someone raised very differently from you.
How can you develop healthy roots for your marriage?
- Discuss your values so you are moving in the same direction
- Work on “fixing” issues that bother your spouse (Example: tone of voice)
- Say, “I love you,” every day
- Give affirmation in daily doses
- Plant seeds that communicate: I want to be with you, You are a priority, Let’s take time to talk and plan
- Go on regular dates together
If your marriage relationship is over, there are still things you and your former spouse can do to lay a good foundation for your children:
- Discuss commitment with your children (Let them know that commitment is still your value)
- Talk about your kids’ choices in dating
- Try and work together with your Ex on parenting
- Do not talk badly about your children’s father/mother
- Focus on being a good parent – don’t try to be both mom and dad
- Be careful with relationships that you bring into your children’s lives
LOVE IS THE MOTIVATION FOR OUR COMMITMENT
Love is large and incredibly patient.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 [The Passion Translation]
Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else.
Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance.
Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor.
Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense.
Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others.
Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.
As an exercise, replace the word LOVE in the 1 Corinthians 13 passage with your name. “MARV is incredibly patient. MARV is gentle and consistently kind. . . “ Was there a phrase that highlighted what needed some extra work?
Love never stops loving . . .
1 Corinthians 13:8, 12-13 [The Passion Translation]
For now we see but a faint reflection of riddles and mysteries as though reflected in a mirror, but one day we will see face-to-face. My understanding is incomplete now, but one day I will understand everything, just as everything about me has been fully understood. Until then, there are three things that remain: faith, hope, and love—yet love surpasses them all. So above all else, let love be the beautiful prize for which you run.
RE-ENGAGE
Don’t wait for the other to initiate unconditional love. LOVE freely, fully, deeply! When misunderstandings occur, FORGIVE freely and regularly. In order to do this, both Joyce and I had to know and receive LOVE and FORGIVENESS from Jesus Christ so that we could pour out this same love and forgiveness to one another.
Commitment reminds us to get back to our wedding vows and hope for a better and richer version. It is possible to re-engage as long as you are willing to put in some work. Recognize the problems that exist and take ownership for what you did or didn’t do to nurture your marriage. Start re-doing what you did when you fell in love. There was a reason you decided to get married in the first place!
Read more about planting deep roots: Seeds Now-Harvest Later
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