***
It’s 7:45 PM, and Mark is not home from work yet. His schedule is relatively predictable, and he is usually on time. If running late, he gives me a call. Did he forget his phone? Was there traffic? Perhaps there was an accident on the freeway? Maybe he was in an accident, and that is why he didn’t call. What if the accident was so bad that paramedics had to be called?
When he walks through the door, I yell, “Where were you??? I was so worried!!!“
– Worried Wife
***
Joe forgot to bring his math book to school again. Did he forget his math homework, too? This is the third time this month he has forgotten about math homework. How will he ever bring up his math grade if he keeps getting zeros on his homework assignments? If he does not pass this class, he will not be prepared for next year’s algebra. And next year, when he has 2 more college-prep classes, there is going to be even more work along with extra club soccer practices and weekend tournaments. Is he going to remember to turn in those assignments when the stakes are higher? What will his transcript look like when he applies for colleges? Will he be able to get into a good university? How will he find a job if he does not have a college degree?
When Joe walks through the door, I yell, “How are you ever going to get through life if you keep forgetting your books?!?“
– Homework Dad
***
Mom went out to buy some eggs and vegetables at the store after I told I was coming by after dinner. She is 75 years old and in the most vulnerable age group for COVID! Why can’t she just stay put at home? I told her I would bring some groceries by later today. Did she remember to bring her cane? Was she safe when she went out? What if she gets sick? The hospitals are full. Would she be admitted or have to wait outside all day? Would she be able to fight off the infection? Would she survive?
When I see mom, I yell, “Do NOT go out anymore! Just stay home!“
– Parenting A Parent
***
Anxiety and anger are closely related. Often, an internal worry that is brewing in our heart expresses itself outwardly as anger. We are more impatient these days because of our worries. Behind our anger might be fear, frustration, hurt, isolation, depression, guilt, shame, stress, jealousy, rejection, loneliness, helplessness, injustice. We end up yelling at the kids we would die for because anger and anxiety are intertwined.
Years ago, when our daughters were young, Marv created a great illustration of this. Michelle told Marv, “Marci makes me so mad!” Marv proceeded to tell Michelle, “Actually she is incapable of making you mad. That is what comes out of you.” He took a small glass filled with water and showed it to Michelle.
Marv: What is in the glass?
Michelle: Water.
Marv: What comes out when I jiggle the glass?
Michelle: Water.
Marv then proceeded to put drops of red food coloring in the water.
Marv: Now pretend these red drops are poison. What spills when I jiggle the glass?
Michelle: Poison.
Marv: Marci may jiggle you, but mad is what comes out of you.
We can blame, excuse, and accuse why we erupt. However, it is important to address what we are full of. If we are storing and accumulating hurts, when we are jiggled, that is what comes out.
REFRESH
Anger in itself is not a sin [Ephesians 4:26], but how we handle our anger can be a sin. Anger is controllable, but realize that an anger habit bypasses your reasoning powers in the moment. Uncontrolled anger is costly, and it is contagious.
There is hope! Here are some practical choices for our own anger:
(1) Reflect on the cause of the anger. Examine some of your own issues and identify hurts from the past that are influencing your reactions.
(2) Figure out what sets you off. What jiggles you? What precipitates the angry outburst? Whining? Clutter? Talking back? Neglected chores? Being ignored? Learn your warning signs. Plan some family rules and consequences to manage challenges and follow through every time so that anger and frustration do not build up.
(3) Choose appropriate releases for anger. If you need a break, take it! A short walk/drive/run helps create some space between you and your anger.
When our children are angry, we can support them by reflecting their feelings. We need to hear them, even if we do not like what they are saying. Likewise, we have to make sure we do not correct their feelings. How many times have we said, “Don’t be mad, he didn’t mean it,”? Let them finish articulating their emotions, and try not to jump to, “Yeah, but . . .” Instead, respond with, “I see that made you feel . . .” Once they feel they have been heard, it is easier to coach through problems with, “How do you think . . .?
RE-DO
As we work through anger, separate BEING from BEHAVIOR. Affirm character (Who does God say you are? Who do I know you to be?), but address behaviors (What is the struggle?). A rehearsal of failures does not bring healing. Be honest about failures, and be realistic about what can be done. It helps to only focus on one issue at a time, otherwise the situation feels too overwhelming. Try to keep a long-term perspective. We need to provide a picture of hope for ourselves and our children.