It is April 1, 2020, and, no joke, a lot has happened in the world the last few weeks. COVID-19 has been elevated to a pandemic, and Marv and I are here in Burbank adhering to Los Angeles County’s Safer-At-Home initiatives. My heart goes out to all the young families who have to: learn how to homeschool, juggle work-from-home, care for a senior who can’t be visited. I want to encourage you all: You don’t have to have it together! You don’t have to be amazing!
As we are sequestered with our household in the same square footage of space, all this togetherness can bring out the best and worst in us. So as we continue our Fully Invested series, how appropriate it is that we talk about communication – talking and listening! Before COVID-19, we could ignore communication problems by going out or talking with other people. Now, we have lost many of the buffers of life and need to face some of the communication issues we have at home. We will start to see so many things that we need to fix, but for now, some selective neglect will be a key to your sanity. However, we still need to live together, love each other, and verbalize our needs.
BEFORE: HOW TO ASK FOR HELP
Two components that facilitate good communication and asking for help are expressing expectations and being specific.
THANKING: When you ___, I feel ____.
- When you make coffee for me in the morning, I feel so cared for!
- When you take care of all your schooling, I feel so encouraged that you are taking responsibility for this.
Intimate statements like these are very motivational and keep the good behavior happening!
ASKING: If you would ____, I can/feel/think _____.
- If you would wash your own dishes, I would feel like we are a team in this and feel less overwhelmed.
Before going to criticism, go to coaching. Feel free to express your heart, just as our Lord Jesus did when he said, “I am overwhelmed.” (Matthew 26:38). Be specific about your needs. Marv often shares that a statement like, “I need help,” is typically too vague for husbands. Rather, name your specific need. “If you would take out the trash, I would really appreciate it!”
CONFRONTING: When you ____, I ____.
- When you leave your stuff all over, I feel like a maid, and I cannot do this.
- When you interrupt me, I feel cut off.
Confrontation seems like a bad word, but that is because most of us do it so poorly. It is actually a really good word! Con- means with; I am with you, but I am in front of you. Marv once said to me, “When I come home, I know that you have been teaching all day, but you have a teacher tone when you speak to me.” I was in a habit of using my teacher-tone with him instead of a partner-tone with my husband. Marv was with me, but he was in front of me. There is 5:1 compliment-to-correction guideline that suggests it takes 5 positive comments before 1 corrective comment is received. Both positive feedback and constructive criticism are important, but they are most effective when dispensed in a 5:1 proportion.
When communicating at home, it is important that you decode your needs and expectations for your family; do not assume they should know. You may have to ask again and confront again, but continue to be a good coach!
AFTER: IF WHEN THEY FAIL
It is inevitable that there will be miscommunication and blow-ups. When that happens, focus on the undone action instead of the unmet expectation. Point to the behavior instead of the YOU. Restate the request to your child’s (spouse’s) advantage and encourage his spirit. Look for areas that your child handles well and praise him. You are a great kid, and I know you want to manage all your schoolwork yourself. How can we do this better? As long as it’s still doable, it is OK to ask (again!). Lastly, understand your child’s humanity – don’t excuse, but have compassion. Listen to his heart and ask questions like, What are you missing? What are you grieving now that you have to do school at home?
Each day we need to GIVE and FORGIVE. And the next day, we start all over again. During this COVID-19 pandemic, we are all carrying additional stresses which affect our family dynamics. We are adjusting to a new normal. We are grieving our losses, and our children are grieving, too. They had no preparation – just like us. Listen to each other.
Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.
David Augsburger
Hear more of what we are talking about in our Fully Invested series by going to : media.warmanloving.org