Marv and I have been living in quarantine for over a month now. The novelty has worn off, and we are creating our new normal. Marv is counseling hurting people on the phone and with video chats from our home. I am teaching my music students through FaceTime and now doing speaking seminars online with Zoom. Our children have so generously bought and delivered us food, and I am so glad to be quarantined with my favorite person, Marv. But I do not like being sequestered.
I do not like teaching through video; I like side-by-side interaction. I miss the freedom of going out for lunch with friends; I feel boxed-in with safer-at-home orders. I grieve the spring anniversary trip we just cancelled; I wonder if we will be able to travel to Quadra this summer. I miss our Nana-Bapa nights and family dinners. I miss giving my children and grandchildren tight hugs. Listening to my students and my students’ parents lament their losses and frustrations, you might be feeling the same.
Through all the emotions we feel as individuals, mixed with the number of individuals in our sequestered household, and the added weight of expectations (and disappointments), has your home become a pressure cooker for stress? Are you carrying tension in your body, in your home, in your relationships? How do we keep it from spilling over onto everyone else?
When safer-at-home began, we were trying to protect one another (our elderly, our health care workers, our most vulnerable). However, safer-at-home 24/7 does not shield us from each others’ flying arrows of stress or open wounds of vulnerability. Conflicts are inevitable. Before COVID-19, maybe the tension in our family relationships were a Level-5 on a scale of 10, but we were so busy running to work, school, practices, games . . . that we did not have time to deal with it. Now that Level-5 tension has lost the buffer of busyness and distraction, and it is staring us in the face. What could go wrong? Plenty. Fear, anger, grief, hopelessness, anxiety, inadequacy . . . these emotions can bubble up, erupt, and take that Level-5 tension to Level-10 conflict.
How do we manage conflict in our home with the goal of producing children who are *Problem Solvers*? What kind of deposits can we make so that our children have the tools to find solutions instead of letting problems escalate and blow up?
THE MODEL
Where do our conflicts come from? James 4 gives great revelation:
What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong; you want only what will give you pleasure.
James 4:1-3 {NLT}
Typically, we think that conflict comes from the other person. It is not me, it is what the other person did/said. More often, conflict comes from within: our need, our unmet expectation, our pain.
Living in harmony means being a peace maker. Scripture guides us in this:
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.
Romans 14:19 {NIV}
In practical terms, our long-term vision is that we want to raise adults who are considerate and cooperative, know how to resolve issues in a healthy way, have tools to cope with different personalities, and have good relationship with each member of the family.
INVEST NOW
What kind of deposits can we make to leave a legacy with our family and help our homes manage conflict better?
UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF
If you do not heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who did not cut you.
Unknown
We enter our marriages with some pre-existing conditions. We are each allergic to certain tones and words. Understanding ourselves is recognizing how we handle conflict and how that impacts everyone else. Are you explosive or implosive? Does your personality lend itself to blow-up and throw-up? Is your anger disproportionate to the circumstance? When faced with conflict, do you yield or withdraw? Do you react passive-aggressively?
Whatever we carry into our marriage and parenting and into this unique time of quarantine, impacts everyone. In our sadness, anger, and all of our emotions, how do we do the least amount of damage when no one can get away from us, and we cannot get away from them? Filter. Major on the majors, and direct your reactions to the behaviors. Sometimes, in our presumptions, there are misinterpreted intentions. Focus on what happened and how it can be done better next time.
The fact that you have tensions in your relationships is normal. You cannot have true intimate relationships without disagreement. You cannot live in quarantine without some conflict. It is okay to have some tension; it does not mean you are a bad parent.
Discover healthy ways to release your anger. Breathe. Walk. Run. Retreat to a safe place to calm down. Be honest with your family because you are all on the same team. I have never been trained in how to do a pandemic, and I am probably doing it pretty badly. I am sorry. I want you to know my heart, and I am going to try and be more loving in my words, tone, and actions.
TEACHING SKILLS TO YOUR CHILD
There are 4 main skills that we are going to focus on here, and they are especially relevant during our COVID quarantine when you do not get much breathing room in your shared spaces.
How to talk to mom and dad. Expect politeness and respect. Your child can express his thoughts and feelings, but it does not have to be in a tone or with words that hurt the soul. It is important for children to know (even if he is 19 and has been on his own) to show proper respect to everyone (1 Peter 2:17). Teach them how to appeal or give a new suggestion using reason and respect. This will be a great life skill when dealing with future teachers and employers!
How to handle sibling disagreements. Encourage your children to first work out their differences on their own and not come to mom/dad until they have tried to work it out. Coach her to say something positive about her sister before she tells you what went wrong. When unkind things are said/done, we told our girls that a new habit needed to be built, so 4 kinds things needed to be done for every unkind thing.
What to do when other kids are unkind. If they hurt you, tell them to stop. If they continue, get help from a parent or teacher.
What to do when you are angry. Scripture tells us, when you are angry, do not sin.
Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry, but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. ..
Ephesians 4:26 [The Message]
In our house, we would frequently say that you cannot hurt with your words or your body. However, we did give permission for the kids to cry in their hurts. We gave them grace for mistakes, and we gave them words to express their frustrations.
The hardest part in managing conflict is that we, parents, have to be models. Our children will see our hypocrisy. However, it is never too late to stop something bad; it is never too late to start something good. For us, and for them!