When you love your spouse, you invest in a marriage for a lifetime. The classic Disney fairytales of the prince and princess end with, “And they lived happily ever after. The end.” Actually, when it comes to marriage, it is just the beginning!
In 2018, Marv and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. Reflecting back on the last 50 years, we had our share up joys, sorrows, laughter, and tears. We learned that the choices we made as individuals affect the direction of our marriage down the road. A small shift in our attitudes and behaviors either drove us together or further apart. It was a difference of moving toward marriage or moving toward divorce.
| MARRIAGE | DIVORCE |
| Think of the positive | Think of the negative |
| Spend time together | Distance from each other |
| Overlook the negative | Overlook the positive |
| Look for affirmation as to why I should be with him/her | Look for affirmation as to why I should leave him/her |
| I can’t be happy without you | I can’t be happy with you |
When you are dating, you have one eye closed and see everything as rosy and beautiful. Little quirks are adorable. Bad habits are no big deal. Love is blind, and marriage is an eye opener, so we need to look at our marriages with both eyes open.
THE MODEL
Marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and his church. [Ephesians 5:21-33]. It is about love and sacrifice, and this takes teamwork from two willing people who are committed to staying connected and living out “as long as we both shall live!” While we may think that marriages have changed over the centuries, the basic principles of love have not. I love this advice from 1886 by Jane Wells to her daughter:
Let your love be stronger than your hate or anger.
Jane Wells {1886) | Submitted by Carol Abbs
Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break.
Believe the best rather than the worst.
People have a way of living up or down to your opinion of them.
Remember that true friendship is the basis for any lasting relationship. The person you choose to marry is deserving of the courtesies and kindnesses you bestow on your friends.
Please hand this down to your children and your children’s children. The more things change the more they stay the same.
Chicken Soup For The Woman’s Soul
This is great advice. It held true in 1886, and it still does in 2020!
INVEST NOW
Growth happens when you are intentional. We’ve broken down the process of building a lifelong marriage into 3 building blocks: intimacy, passion, and commitment, with commitment being the foundation of the marriage.
(c) Marv & Joyce Warman
BUILD INTIMACY
Marv loves Elisa Morgan’s definition of intimacy as into-me-see! There is a friendship factor and closeness in an intimate relationship that makes the other person feel known, respected, and loved. How do we express intimacy? Strengths and weaknesses get predictable after a while, so spontaneity helps break up routines. Express something differently (speak your spouse’s love language) and communicate, “I’m glad I married you!” Building intimacy day by day takes time. Be intentional and listen to your spouse’s thoughts and feelings without judgement. It is OK to be nice without waiting for a resolution for everything!
MAINTAIN PASSION
Are you holding each other hostage?
If he would just wash the dishes, then I would . . .
Every time I try to give her a hug . . . , she shuts me down.
Washing pots and sex: you don’t have to want to, but will you still do it?! Passion in a marriage is about having passion for what your partner cares about. In your partnership, realize that you have a duty to your spouse without expecting mutual enjoyment every time. Remember: the doorway to passion is intimacy! Husbands, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands.
LIVE YOUR COMMITMENT
Your marriage commitment requires investments from your heart, hands, and wallet. Be intentional about spending time together by making your spouse a priority (heart), helping one another (hands), and going on dates together (wallet). The investments don’t have to be grand gestures. They can be small simple things that communicate, “I’m glad we are together!” When we take action with these investments, we are affirming our wedding vows on a regular basis.
What can sabotage living our commitment? Death words! Avoid phrases like: If this happens again, I’m out of here! I don’t know why I married you in the first place. I don’t know how much more of this I can take! Do you want a divorce? Why would anyone want to commit more when this is said? When these words do come out, apologize whole-heartedly. Marriage is an opportunity to look at and work on yourself (you can’t fix your spouse). When you are hurting in your marriage, find help. At Warm an’ Loving, we can definitely find some good resources for you!
DIVIDEND
. . . to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part . . .
Traditional Protestant Wedding Vow
Are you living out till death do us part? Will you treasure your spouse? Sometimes after a long day, it is easier to sit next to each other and catch up on our phone rather than with each other! Our challenge to you is to disconnect from your phone and reconnect with your spouse. Your dividend will be a a life-long, growing marriage.