One of our goals in parenting is to see more and more self-discipline in our children. However, it is their job to put the SELF in front. As parents, we sometimes don’t have a lot of patience for the process of self-discipline, however we need to think about what investments we can make today to nurture the self-discipline in our children so that they are equipped for the future. How do we raise an adult who is a self-sustaining, contributing member of God’s Kingdom? How do we fully invest in our child so that he will fully invest in the next generation?
MAKING DEPOSITS
Our principal investment in self-discipline is daily training. There are physical (exhaustive repetition), emotional (sanity, heart, patience, perseverance), and financial (extra-curricular, equipment replacements and upgrades) costs.
INVESTMENT TIPS
It is important to understand that any character quality has negative potential when taken to an extreme. Give opportunities for your child to develop their strengths as well as tools for their weaknesses.
As parents, we also need to discern the difference between defiance and age appropriate behavior. It is perfectly appropriate for a child to have a natural curiosity and explore. Kinesthetic learners need to touch things and take them apart. Young children with limited vocabulary will say NO a lot, so they will need understanding and direction in their language. Testing of your authority is also common as boundaries and freedoms are defined. For the child, defiance is refusing to listen to instruction (continuing to challenge authority) and continuing misbehavior even after a consequence.
For the teen, it is age appropriate to challenge your rules and your right to rule. Teens are extremely peer focused and desiring more independence. However, defiance in a teen is continuing the misbehavior when the commands and consequences are clear and continuing the misbehavior even after a consequence.
We need to make daily deposits of teaching, reprimanding, and correcting while also teaching new plays to our children. Training is not an event; we are coaches for life! As we coach in self-discipline, be sure to separate your child’s behavior from his being. “You, I love! What you did will need a consequence.” Value the relationship, consequence the action, and counsel the attitude.
Training is not an event. We are coaches for life!
INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITIES
How do we coach in self-discipline?
Start with teaching character qualities. Praise your child when she shows character and makes good decisions. Model confession and forgiveness. Our children need to see that our love is not performance based. When we show our children that we (adults) are not perfect, it gives them the freedom to take ownership of their struggles and weaknesses. From this, they can grow in their SELF-discipline.
Plan commands and consequences. A good command is simple, specific, and serious. When it comes to teens, take a breath before you react and let the consequence fit the crime. Be consistent; kids will quickly learn now to work mom and dad if you don’t parent as a team.
Tie privileges to responsibility. Give clear instructions when it comes to responsibilities. As your child matures, these responsibilities can be increased and paired with fitting privileges. Responsibilities and privileges may differ from child to child, so be flexible and work together. As responsibilities are successfully completed, express gratitude. This is an important part of modeling and affirmation. The positive response will encourage the repeat of good behavior and reinforce self-discipline.
FUTURE DIVIDENDS
The relationship you have built with your child is foundational for effective disciplining. When there are broken relationships or distancing on part of your child, focus on connecting with her. When Adam and Eve are in the garden after eating the forbidden fruit, God asks, “Where are you,” before, “What have you done?” God seeks, then confronts. [Genesis 3]
Your future parenting dividend is knowing that you took the responsibility of training your child and releasing her with the tools to be a contributing citizen. She won’t be perfect, but she will have the tools to figure it out.
Teaching your child is both an opportunity and responsibility. Remember the profound effect your home is having on her, but don’t take all the credit or blame for her choices or outcome.