Each stage of parenting has its highs and lows. The early years were physically exhausting. Now in the teen and young adult years, it feels more emotionally exhausting! How do we navigate this time and create thriving moments as we prepare to launch our teen from our home into independence. Will they carry on things we’ve taught? Will they keep up with things they have learned? Will they go beyond and do things better than we could?
Surviving these “releasing” years is hard! No one tells you that one of the hardest parts of motherhood is when your children grow up. We’ve made a big investment with our heart, we continue to coach, and most of the time it isn’t appreciated. Our teens want to do it on their own, sometimes for better or worse. So there is a lot of push/pull and tension in the relationship. As parents, we need to continue to find new ways to connect and be available to heed their call when our kids initiate.
Lowered Expectations
Our goals are high for our children! We want to help them achieve their full potential! But let’s face reality, parents, our wisdom and insights are rarely appreciated. Fact: Our children will not say, “Thank you for that lecture.” We can still give the lecture (maybe a shorter version), just don’t expect gratitude. We need to toughen our skin and lower the expectations of ourselves in consideration of reality — our teens don’t crave time with us. We will be taken for granted as moods swing to opposite extremes. They will prefer their friends and will make some bad decisions. Don’t be shocked by the DRAMA, but rather prepare for the adjustments. Though your 6-foot teen with facial hair and driver’s license may look old enough to pass as an adult, remember that he is not emotionally or mentally mature yet, and the results of some of your training may not be evident yet. Until they have paid the price, our teens will not fully understand our intentions and sacrifice.
Survival Skills
What can we do so that we stay strong during teenage turbulence? One thing that we can to do help ourselves is to stop spinning in circles of self-doubt and questioning, but stay rooted in God’s guidance and prayer. Remember YOUR identity as child of God, and don’t derive your identity and affirmation from your children. It is easy to feel wounded by your daughter’s stinging words and your son’s anger. When we are hurt, the natural thing to do is to withdraw. Instead, change the circumstance. Realign your value and identity in Christ, and choose this moment as an invitation for some one-on-one time with your teen (grab a burger together, make a spontaneous shopping trip, stop in for a smoothie on the drive home). Develop a personal filter, and don’t take everything to heart when they say something. Teens are struggling with identity in middle school and high school, and it is natural have the personal frustrations and insecurities explode at home.
Be loving, be kind, and be firm . . . and a good sense of humor helps, too!
Thriving Moments
How do we thrive as moms and dads of teens? Show genuine love just like Jesus did. Listen to your child; listen to their hearts and hurts. Listen when they weep over the boyfriend/girlfriend. Empathize when they lose the election or don’t get picked for the team. Sometimes love looks like being a servant leader. Stay up with them while they finish a project and bring them some cocoa. Run to the 24-Hour drug store to get poster board. Pack a sandwich so they are fueled by more than cheese puffs before a game. Find your connecting points with your sons and daughters. Those connecting points will be what draws them back. Family time and trips are those thriving times that help create early bonds. Though the years at home are short, it is during those first 18 years where home is the natural place of influence, and it is especially important during the teenage years. Take seriously the modeling and mentoring of spiritual formation at home. It is easy to get stuck in the crisis of the moment, but take the long term view and focus on building a legacy of hope in the Lord.
Who has done this and carried it through,
calling forth the generations from the beginning?
I, the Lord – with the first of them and with the last – I am he.Isaiah 41:4 [NIV]
You have planted seeds. You have created a root system. Trust means giving a seed of trust time. We don’t dig up a seed every day to see if it is growing. We have to give it time, let it struggle to push through the soil, and find the sun. The flowering comes much later.