Hi Joyce!
Oh my goodness, I feel a little at the end of my rope here and am hoping you might be able to offer me some insight. I know you do so much work with moms’ groups along with all your writing . . . I’m in a situation with Bradley that is causing me such anxiety because I really just don’t know what to do!
I have two concerns with him right now, the first being that he is VERY self abusive when he is frustrated or does not get what he wants. He will bang his head with great force on the ground, wherever he is. He regularly gives himself goose eggs, large bruises, you name it. It’s horrible, yet I’m terribly frustrated with the best way to deal with this. I can’t allow him to continue to abuse himself, yet I don’t want him to continue to feel that if he does that he “wins” and in a sense, manipulates me. I do realize this is a stage and communication is difficult right now, tantrums are normal, but what on earth do I do about this self-abuse??
Second, suddenly he has developed a great “fear” of going to bed. He completely panics. This is so strange for me as we have never faced this issue before. He completely panics prior to naptime and bedtime. So, I began going in with him, singing songs, saying prayers, etc . . . holding hands. Often he will fall asleep within 15 minutes or so and that’s great. BUT, lately it’s become a situation where he will obsess over holding my hand, squirm, and I can sometimes end up lying there for up to an hour with him which is draining for me, and I don’t feel it’s good to “train” this as a pattern! I can’t even have friends over right now without excusing myself to put the kids down. It’s terribly frustrating. Tonight I finally just said goodnight to him and left after 15 minutes, and he went into hysterics, banging his head against the door, screaming, crying for about 10 minutes until he finally fell asleep. SIGH.
Is there any help or advice you can offer me? I’m so exhausted and although I realize this is a stage, this too shall pass, I want to be sure I’m doing the best I can as a parent. ANYTHING you can offer me would be most appreciated, I’m finding books and online resources frustrating as info is vague, and nothing obviously “matches” the needs of my kids.
Thanks for listening!
CJ, Sleepless in Pasadena
Dear CJ,
I am so glad you wrote me about this. When our children come up with issues, even if they are temporary, it is very hard to know what to do when.
I am a big believer in trying different approaches until you feel like you have some answers – this will not change overnight, so be patient. You will be Bradley’s mom for a long time, and you will get through this. One of my grandchildren does not want to go to bed, but I need her to go to sleep at some point. I do several things. I hold her (with her lying down in my arms) and she knows this is it – she is not getting up. I look at her and smile, tell her I love her, sing a song (she told me one night, “No Jesus loves me, Nana!”) I say, “It’s nite nite time!” – walk around, sometimes outside, and she falls asleep. Sometimes I sit on the rocker and have music on and rock her till she sleeps.
When I have all the grandchildren over on Friday, I hold her and read to the older children and she falls asleep. Your purpose in all of this is to show your care and nurture and also, “You are now going to sleep!” Please keep the long term view – in the future you will be describing this painful time in a sentence. I can tell by following your emails that you are a great mommy – attentive to your children and you will have an answer. Use this time of holding and reassuring him to pray your desires looking to a hopeful future.
As for the self-abuse, the worst thing to do would be to spank him because he is abusing himself. “You are hurting yourself, I will also hurt you?????” When friends suggest it, thank them for sharing. You do not have to argue this issue. Bradley needs reassurance.
I would suggest that you try and put your heart and eyes into her needs and ask, “If I were Bradley, how would I want my mommy to respond?” When we as adults are hurting, we do not need more pain, we need nurture and reassurance. You will have plenty of opportunities for punishment with disobedience and even then you can be more creative than always spanking. You are wise to know that spanking is not what she needs right now.
I will be praying for you as you try some of these ideas. You will be amazed as you hold him and pray for him how you will get peace and that will help him. He does need to know that it is now bedtime, and he is not going to get up again this day!!! That is okay.
The self abusing is a hard issue. I would always pick her up and prevent her from continuing to hurt herself. Firmly hold her and say, “No way!!!” Make sure he has to do what you told him to do when he settles down – a strong child cannot win at this point – especially with behavior you do not want to reinforce. I would love for you to have more expert advise. Consider contacting a professional or Warm An’ Loving for referrals.
Love, Joyce