Several years into my mothering career, Marv made an observation, “We should have know there would be hard times, when it all started with the word LABOR!” When a child is stressed, she calls mom. When she is happy, she calls mom. When she is scared, calls mom. Anxious . . . calls mom. Sad . . . calls mom. Angry . . . calls mom. Excited . . . calls mom.
I am the most at peace when things are in order and plans are scheduled. I can relax and be flexible after I’ve done my work of organizing. In May 2008, I received an email that my dad’s health was failing. At the same time, daughter Marci was due with baby #4 and being there to help her at the birth was very important to me. Being with my dad was also on my heart as we were very close, and I had promised him that I would spend his last Father’s Day with him. My heart was torn in two different directions. As God would have it, baby Lucy was born, and I was able to take a few pictures, print them, then fly to Canada to be with Dad for Father’s Day.
Many of you can relate to this. Covid running through the family was NOT on the schedule. Cancelled flights are not welcome. Stomach flu, broken arms, and emergency room visits are never on the calendar. Some of your teen’s choices are not part of your plans. This part of parenting makes daily life difficult because it is not all positive. Don’t be shocked when you have challenges and hard times. Rather in those hard times, take a breath and know that you aren’t walking this dark valley alone. You see, if you notice the valleys, you will see that green grass grows. We can lean on God through the dark times, and we can trust that his faithfulness will sustain us as we walk through it. When we look back at those hard times, we can see that our relationships, marriage, children, and family all grew much more in character when we had to go through it.
God’s love does not keep us from trials, but sees us through them.
ROADBLOCKS
In hard times, we develop hard workers. When we have soft and easy times, we develop soft and lazy people. We try to make things easier for our children because we don’t want them to suffer; we want them to be safe. However, the truth of the matter is that hard times produce hard workers. When faced with challenging situations, sometimes the answer will be to create a new rhythm or a new path. Other times is may be about surrendering and committing ourselves daily to our Creator.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
Proverbs 3:5-6 [NIV]
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Roadblock: Sleep Deprivation
Whoever coined the phrase, “Sleeps like a baby,” obviously did not have one, or at least a not a non-sleeper. Some of you have not had a good night sleep since your baby was born. For others, there may be life-stressors that you are carrying with you – a special needs child, a medical condition, financial worries, a rebellious teen, an aging parent. These can all prevent you from getting adequate nighttime rest.
More and more studies are showing how absolutely vital sleep is. We need to put in 6-8 hours of sleep in order to withdraw 16-18 hours of work. If we don’t put the deposit in, we can’t withdraw from the ATM of life and give what we need for the day. Sleep (quantity, quality, and consistency) is as important for good health as is diet and exercise. When we sleep, our brains are in repair mode so that we can better learn, remember, and create. It also good improves our mood, brain performance, and health.
DETOURS:
- Naps. It’s a simple concept, but the actual execution can be a challenge when you are tempted to tackle all those unfinished tasks (laundry, bills, dishes). Try to get some sleep while baby is napping or when one of their favorite movies is on, but be mindful not to nap too late in the afternoon lest you won’t be able to fall asleep in the evening.
- Limit electronics before bed. Blue light from electronics can especially suppress our body’s natural secretion of melatonin and affect our circadian rhythm. Instead, try reading a book, listening to soothing music, or another relaxing activity instead.
- Get outside. Consider also going outside for a walk in the daytime or get natural sunlight for at least 30 minutes every day. Exposure to white light (the sun) during the day can have positive effects, including boosting alertness and mood.
- Release the stress and refocus on the blessings. Parenting is hard. Share with a safe friend about the challenges you are feeling and receive empathy, support, prayer. Before you go to bed or when you start your day, thank God for 7 blessings and share them with your spouse.
Roadblock: Relationship Challenges
Marriages face personality clashes. Friendships evolve over time. Extended family can be a blessing and a burden. Relationship changes and challenges are a normal part of our dynamic relationships. What can we do when faced with relationship roadblocks?
DETOURS:
- If your extended family is a blessing, be grateful and call upon their help. Be gracious to one another; there is no need to micromanage grandparents when they babysit (your children will survive!). While grandparents may not do things exactly they way you do them, this can be a blessing for your children where they have time when every action isn’t scrutinized in quite the same why that it is at home. Do feel free to share your parenting challenges with grandparents. They will want to come alongside you and support you in an effective way to reinforce what you are living and teaching at home.
- If your extended family is a problem, take responsibility for your part. For some of you, parenting is very hard because you had no one to parent you. You may be been the mother for your siblings. Some of you had neglectful parents and had to deal with abuse, suffer with parents’ additions, experience emotional distance, or live in foster care. As a result, you never feel you can go on autopilot in your parenting. The fact that you are reading this now is so encouraging because YOU are saying you want to be the best parent you can be! If your family is a problem, focus on your own spouse and children. You can change the narrative of your family’s future by adjusting your time with your extended family appropriately so that shared moments are life-giving for you, for them, for all of you.
Put your energy on your children and the choices you can make TODAY for your relationship with them in the future!
Roadblock: Dealing with Loss
We categorize loss with three D’s: divorce, dreams, death. Many of you are experiencing loss. If you are experiencing divorce or even a stall in your marriage, it is the death of a dream. You may be living in the same house and getting kids from A to B, but you aren’t emotionally connected. Some of you have the loss of dreams: financial security, education, career, family, relationships. Relationship loss is especially felt during the teen years when there is more push/pull in the parent-child dynamic. Your teen would rather hang out with his friends than spend time with mom and dad. Fertility, miscarriage, and death are also losses. You are never quite the same when you lose a child. There are just some losses that don’t feel like mere roadblocks; they feel like you just fell over a cliff. The burden is heavy, and anything we do to help each other (bringing a meal, helping with carpool, an encouraging word) lightens the load and makes it slightly more bearable.
DETOUR:
- Healing takes time. Allow yourself the space to rest and grieve, and this may take a long time (for some, grieving is forever). Acknowledging the reality is hard, but acceptance is not approval (you don’t have to like it). However, until we acknowledge the loss, we cannot move forward. At first you may be numb, but you eventually start working on rebuilding your future plans. This does not take away from the sting of death, but it allows us to move forward during our sorrow. Try to focus on the positive (the good in the family you have) as you grieve your loss, and take your cares to God.
Don’t give up! During this rough time, God invites us to look to Him, see His presence, and shift our focus from our sadness to our Savior. “I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.” [Psalm 77:11 NIV]. Faith in God’s goodness keeps hope alive. He is the one who gets us through.