Most of our discipline comes from the way we were raised. We either choose:
“I’m going to reproduce that because it worked.”
OR
“I’m not going to do it that way.”
We look in the mirror and say to ourselves, “My dad talked to me like that. I didn’t know I was going to talk like that.” When scripture says, “Lean not on your own understanding,” [Proverbs 3:5] it doesn’t mean we don’t have any understanding. When you lean on something, you get support. When you are standing on the floor and leaning against the wall, you are standing on your own two feet, but leaning on the wall for extra support. When we are raising our children, we need to have godly wisdom and understanding. Unfortunately the Bible doesn’t give us formulas for how to parent. However, there are patterns and principals, and we have the Holy Spirit who lives in us and a community of other parents and coaches to advise. So we do not need to lean only on our understanding. We may stumble, but we will not fall.
In our current culture of parenting, we are seeing some of the negative effects of indulgent-parenting and over-parenting. As parents have tried to help and protect out of love, they have enabled their children to become helpless, irresponsible, and narcissistic. Our children need consistent boundaries and discipline that match their maturity and responsibility. When we have weak and inconsistent discipline, we stunt our children’s growth into adulthood. Every child needs a parent who will keep them accountable and be irrationally positive towards them.
Why did God come to Adam and Eve when they screwed up in the garden? Why did He want to be with them? Why did He bother? These two just messed up God’s world. They messed up generations to come. Now it was going to require God’s only son to be sacrificed for their screw up. God did a very irrational thing. He came to the garden and asked, “Where are you?” I suspect He already knew, but He pursed them. God’s love for Adam and Eve was irrational. His love was not based on their behavior. He loved them and was calling them into relationship. We, as parents, should let our children know,
“You – I love. I want to be with you. I want relationship with you.”
What prevents the relationship from developing is that, “you did something,” and now there is a consequence. We need to teach our children to take ownership and responsibility.
How do we disciple at home? With our younger children, we start with commands. These commands need to be followed by consequences. Otherwise, the commands are just advice with no expectation of follow through. Consistency is important in this discipleship as our children quickly learn to push the boundaries and figure out mom’s and dad’s moods. As children mature, we can shift this concept to the next level with freedoms and responsibilities as we appropriately release. Freedoms and responsibilities work together in character development. When a privilege is attached to a responsibility, this opens up more opportunities for maturity and independence. Maturity does not magically happen when a child turns a certain age. It needs training and practice. As parents, our expectations must be clear. When we are consistent, we can disciple our children with affirmation, encouragement, and unconditional love as we hold them accountable to the high standard we believe they can achieve.