In all the challenging days of meal-making, carpool, after-school practices, homework, weekend games, dance recitals, competitions, online meetings, working overtime, home improvement repairs, and trips to the market, I hope we can enjoy pieces of the parenting adventure. It is hard. And it takes intentionality to look for the joy.
Often in my own parenting, I had the tendency to put all of my emotions in one big stew pot of mad, sad, bad, glad. If I was MAD at one daughter for an insensitive remark, I would miss out on the GLAD for her sister keeping her room neat and tidy. I had to learn to separate each emotion and make it appropriate for the occasion.
If a 12-year-old makes you mad for losing his water bottle at the practice field for the 5th time, can the 6-year-old still make you laugh at his funny story? Can you be glad about the relationship with your spouse while you are sad about the health of your aging parents? As parents, sometimes we only see the angst that children bring to the family that we fail to see the joys they bring to the moments. Our worries and our stresses supersede the highlights and small parenting wins. Try to separate the different elements of life so that you can still find pieces of parenting life to enjoy. What we hope to remind you is that there are parts of the parent adventure where we can learn to be grateful!
What are some of the challenges in your life that are blocking your joy?
Exhaustion?
An overloaded work schedule?
Negative outlook?
Doing too much for your kids?
Health issues?
Static marriage?
Crisis with your kids?
Relationships with parents/in-laws?
There are detours that can help us to navigate family roadblocks. A healthy family, healthy marriage, and healthy parent-child relationship need cooperation from everyone in creating some wider margins to accommodate the stresses of life.
TRAVEL TIPS
As your children get older, there is more opportunity for them to help you so that you can reclaim the joy in your parenting.
Admit when you are stressed. Allow yourself a little time-out. It is normal to not enjoy every moment of parenting! When you are overtired you will not have the energy to be active or to do fun things with your children. You go on survival mode. Try to catch a little extra sleep when you can. Take a quick afternoon nap. Stop the late-evening phone scrolling and go to bed early.
Structure your day/week/month/year so that you have times set aside to be flexible and relax with our children. Reading at nap time and bedtime was a rest ritual that allowed us to relax with our girls.
Parent in your own unique way bringing YOUR STRENGTHS to your parenting. Stop measuring your family’s progress by comparing with the Jones. If you love photography, hiking, sports, use that passion and weave it into your unique parenting. Don’t let your insecurities steal your joy. Rather celebrate your family’s unique strengths.
See life from your child’s eyes. I never enjoyed bugs, sick birds, or dirty dogs, but I did like to see the look in Marci and Maria’s eyes as they nursed many creatures to health and brought them to show me. We had to bury many as well, and over the last 40 years, our yard had many memories of buried critters that received much love. I had to remember to see life through their eyes and delight in what brought their hearts joy. Think through now, what is it like to be a teen? Can I get behind my child’s eyes? What is it like to walk the halls in a middle school and try to fit in? Ask and observe, and it will likely give you more compassion. If you take some time to think about what their day is like, you might find more compassion and enjoyment in parenting because you will be a little more selective on which major character issues to tackle. And you might be able to laugh a little more, too!
Do tasks together. Summer is all about spending as much time outside as possible. No one wants to be inside doing chores, making meals, or cleaning rooms, especially you! Get the whole family to jump in and help get things together. When your kids ask, “Can we go to the park?” You can reply with a yes by saying, “Sure! Let’s set a timer for 30 minutes and see how quickly you can pick up your room. If you do a good job cleaning, let’s go to the park!” Remind them that if they come help, then they can get back to the fun. Use the concept of, FIRST . . . THEN . . . and incorporate it into the fun. If your teen wants to have friends over for a party, let her plan it (how many people, food, budget, clean up). As a teen, we allowed Marci to plan up to 5 “parties” and gave her a budget. She had to plan and execute; we helped. It was easy for her to want more and more social events because she had no clue the amount of money and work it took to carry out her wishes. In her eyes, we spoiled her fun when we put limitations. However, when we gave her the responsibility of planning, budgeting, and executing, we go to work together making life fun.
Delegate jobs. See if family members can help you with some of the tasks on your list. Remember you may have to give up on perfection. Young children actually do love to help, and we need to let them. As they get older, they aren’t as enthusiastic about being Mommy’s Best Helper. The saying, “Competence breeds incompetence,” holds a lot of truth. Of course, we will be better at it because we have had many more years of practice. However, if parents stay competent and controlling, our children stay stuck.
Teach your children to not make as many messes. It is sticky everywhere. There is a trail of ants that lead to a candy bar wrapper under the desk. There are opened packages of food on the counter, table, and floor. Socks keep multiplying in the living room. And little Ethan just wiped his nose on the couch. It is no wonder why you aren’t having fun! As a mom, I have learned to keep a stack of small cloths readily available to wipe those sticky fingers (baby wipes work great too) and to be persistent about hand washing after meals. Nowadays, I say to my grandchildren, “Would Nana rather clean or play with you? Let’s work together so that we have more time to play!” This relates to time management with your teen. When they pick something up and put it back, they will spend less time cleaning up afterwards and less time searching for lost things. It means more FUN time together and with friends. I also suggest grabbing small windows of time to do small tasks (sorting out a pile, emptying the trash, filing some bills). You will be amazed how much you get done by grabbing minutes here and there to accomplish a task. Don’t wait for large amounts of time before you can do a task.
Be a team. Be flexible. Be creative. A mom shared this show-and-tell moment when she and her son worked together:
When your kid is in tears because he forgot to bring something for show-and-tell, you pull over and get creative. Lesson being, it’s important to have some extra marketing materials in your car for last-minute listing presentations . . . or for making origami!
That show-and-tell moment was packed with so many options of how a mom could have reacted:
- Rescue – Turning that car around and dashing back home to get it.
- Realist – Sorry buddy, next time you will have to remember to put it in your backpack the night before.
- Angry/Stressed – How many times do I have to keep telling you to pack your stuff the night before?!
- Mary Poppins – Find whatever random items you have left in your car or trunk and fashion something together.
None of these answers are wrong. In fact, I’ve done them all on different occasions. In this story, mom chose to be creative and work as a team with her son. It will be interesting to see how this experience shapes her son in the years to come!
Although you will always have concerns for your children and their future, let them enjoy their childhood! Let them PLAY! Sometimes parents are running around so exhausted getting from schedule A to schedule B, there is nothing but emotional leftovers for their spouse and children. Childhood is the best time to discover life through play, and it is a JOY to relive it through their eyes!