What steals your parenting joy?
A sink full of dirty dishes? Piles of laundry? An unexpected change in schedule? Your willful preschooler? Another lost or forgotten homework assignment? The smart-mouthed sass from your teenager? Monthly bills on top of the tuition and mortgage payments? Feeling too over-scheduled driving from A to B and back to A that you can’t even enjoy your family because you are so tired?
Life is busy. Stress is real. Joy is a choice.
Joy is the feeling of great pleasure. It is what you choose to find in the midst of your life. While happiness is a byproduct of our life’s situations, joy rises above daily circumstances.
There is no such thing as good weather, or bad weather. There’s just weather and your attitude towards it.
Louise Hay
Louise Hay’s quote does a great job of capturing the essence of joy. It is all in our attitude. When life seems like it is falling apart, we have to tell our children and ourselves, “Right now, it is really hard, but I know the joy is coming, and I am choosing it.” Marv and I would differentiate our emotions into mad, sad, bad, and glad categories. This would help us identify our frustrations, but not steal all the joy from daily parenting. A typical day might look like this:
- I am mad at Marci for leaving the front door open for the dog to escape and run away.
- I am sad for Michelle because she didn’t get the choir solo.
- I feel bad for my impatience with Marv this morning.
- I am glad Maria was able to get some sleep last night instead of pulling an all-nighter for her exam.
When we let all our emotions stew and blend together, the tendency is for us to get quick-tempered with everyone. Differentiating the emotions, helps identify the specific frustrations or disappointments while also celebrating and finding the joy.
Training A Child Of Character In A Crazy World
Our culture wants us to have happy children. Buy this toy, and your kids will be happy! Wear this outfit, and you will feel happy! Eat these foods, and you will be happy! Culture tempts us with things to provide a quick fix and bring instant happiness. However, kids do not need parents to make them happy . . . they need parents to make them capable. Instead of indulging children, care for their needs (not all their wants). Wants lead to us happy. However, we want them to have joy from needs being met.
Joy also requires us to shut down our internal negative narrative and shift our attitude. Rather than letting bitterness keep us as a victim, choose forgiveness for the past. Counter stress and anxiety by embracing peace and living in the contentment of now. Refuse to let unhealthy fear paralyze, and choose to trust and dream for the future.
Passionate With Joy
But the fruit produced by the Holy Spirit within you is divine love in all its varied expressions: joy that overflows, peace that subdues, patience that endures, kindness in action, a life full of virtue, faith that prevails, gentleness of heart, and strength of spirit.[r
Galatians 5:22-23 [The Passion Translation]
Galatians describes a joy that overflows. Where is this overflow coming from? Joy can only overflow if it is coming from a full and content heart.
Personal Joy. Work at taking care of a few personal “survival musts” so that you can operate out of fullness. This may require scheduling time for a work-out or a hobby or waking up earlier (or staying up later) to read or meditate. Make the best of what you have and the time you have. It won’t look perfect, so throw out those unrealistic expectations. Remember, you set the tone and atmosphere of the home.
Partner Joy. Continue to pursue your spouse. Go on dates and have surprises. Remember, why you married this person. The two of you are on the same team, so have fun together!
Parenting Joy. When developing structure and routine, we create parenting fences around our children. As they grow, the perimeter widens when they become more responsible. During this time, try to incorporate more yes’s into family life. Can I watch that movie? YES – this Saturday, after we visit grandma. Can I have a sleepover? YES – let’s find a date on the calendar when you and Johnny are free. Can I go to the dance? YES – as long as you keep your grade up in science. Be creative and flexible, but be firm on your family rules or non-negotiables.
Most importantly, keep your sense of humor and LAUGH. Especially at yourself!
Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.
Henri Nouwen