Teenagers are great aren’t they? They are curious, adventurous risk-takers. They are passionate, savvy, and spontaneous. They are idealistic. They have big dreams. With so much hope and potential in their favor, why do they cause parents such frustration? How can we channel their strengths as we continue to plant seeds into the hearts of these emerging adults?
Recognizing their Needs
Hormones are on overdrive. Bodies are changing. Brains are still developing. Right around early adolescence, every reflective surface turns into a mirror. A camera selfie (this word alone speaks volumes) is not just a spontaneous snap of the smartphone. It is picking the perfect selfie from a series of pictures taken in the moment while making sure the lighting is right and the filters chosen reflect the mood. Everything is edited, cropped, and filtered so it shows their best self.
Why?
Teens have a need for approval. They long for acceptance and seek to belong. Social media Likes = Peer Affirmation. They want relationship and desire significance. They feel pressured and misunderstood. They think their parents are too strict, do not trust them, and spoil their fun. In short, teens are often confused, and they are navigating their world with mom & dad, friends, coaches, teachers, pastors, mentors, and media all as back-seat drivers. The question becomes: who is he going to invite up front to ride shotgun? or ask to help steer?
Impressions From Parents of Teens
Parents are hungry for relationship with their teen, but they feel shut out. We worry about their safety and find it hard to release them. Core personalities do not change, but things that might change in both parents and teens are maturity, views, and culture. What can definitely change? BEHAVIORS. OURS.
We can reach into the heart of a teen by showing openness. Praise them for all the things they are doing right. The world is constantly reminding them of their short-comings, so let home be a place for affirmation. Be a good listener and ask questions while resisting the urge to jump in too fast with comments, suggestions, or a solution. Most of the time, they are looking for empathy, not resolution. Major on the majors and try not to over-react. We can teach how to honor each other even when we disagree. When there are decisions to be made, be clear on your No and Yes; right or wrong, make a decision and go with it.
Not impressed with their current behaviors? Here are some launching points for a do-over:
- Find a connecting point with your teen (food, shopping, activity, . . .)
- Praise what they do well
- Be hopeful
- Make sure you have other people in your life to pray with and affirm you!
- Focus on one issue at a time
- Articulate a command and a consequence
- Conversation when there are issues to address:
- “You are a great teen . . . here is what I see that may trip you up.”
- Here are the strengths I see when taken to extreme . . .
- “What will not work in life?” – Identify those behaviors
- This behavior needs to stop
- Pray, pray, pray
Parents make a lasting impression when we change. Love your teen by changing how you converse with them. Be a coach, rather than controller as you deal with their behaviors. It is more important to focus on values than rules. God will give us daily opportunities to engage with our kids. Use them to connect.