Home Improvement: Strengthening Your Marriage

Over the years we have noticed that model homes and remodeled homes have a primary suite that is really quite impressive. There are walk-in closets, lots of space, spa-like bathrooms. The primary suite is huge; kids rooms are small. Emotionally & functionally, however, we find that kids tend to get the big rooms in our life, and the marriage room (primary bedroom) shrinks. We neglect caring for the marriage room. We forget to make room to nourish the husband/wife relationship, and our marriage relationship becomes a hallway where we just pass through to take care of self, take a quick shower, take care of kids.

The life stages of your children affect a marriage, and the health of your marriage impacts the kids. As we share some of our thoughts on strengthening a marriage, we hope that you will find some home improvement ideas that can apply to your home. For those of you who are separated or divorced, you may think that this may not be for you. But we would like to encourage you that even how you handle your interactions with your former spouse make an impression on your children. For others who are doing well in this area, we hope that you can encourage others in their journey.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

In The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis, he describes four aspects of love: storage, phileo, eros, agape.

Storge love is family love. This is what we do as parents as we create belonging. It is giving the resources of the mature to the vulnerable. We give our resources to our children to nurture them.

Phileo love is brotherly love. This can be described as give and take. If you do, I will. If you don’t, I won’t. We experience this everyday with our interactions with people around us. I got groceries at the store in exchange for money. I go to work in exchange for a paycheck.

Eros love is erotic love. This is the intimate, romantic love in a relationship. The challenge of focusing on eros love alone is when the passion has waned, many think that love has died.

Agape love is unconditional love. This is the love we hope to express. Agape love involves faithfulness and commitment. It is a choice or an act of the will. In the New Testament, agape love is used to describe love that is of God and from God. Agape love does not come naturally. Because of our sinful nature, we are incapable of producing this perfect love, so we need help from God, our Source. This is God’s love poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. [Romans 5:5]

As God gives us unconditional agape love, we can only hope to be a channel to which we give that love to our spouse, family, and friends.

HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Let us make some renovations and focus on strengthening the marriage by working on improving the master suite.

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Psalm 118:24 [NIV]

“This is the day
Live today! Be honest and acknowledge what is happening today.

Each day has trouble of its own” [Matthew 6:34]
Confront with love to handle each day in a better way. This is not nit-picking to bring up every little issue. Confronting daily is not focusing on the past, but improving for the future. Use your filter to focus on what is choosable and forgive the flaws. Whatever mess you are experiencing now, agape love is what you long to receive, and it is the kind of love that we learn how to give to our spouse and children.

“The Lord has made
Who or what rules your life? What are your priorities? The Lord has a plan for our days; He made it. Am I living from the inside out? What are the things that are taking over my life? Can I give a part of my day to pray for my spouse?

“Rejoice in it
Look for the good and speak to it. I can still compliment Marv even though he has not fixed everything about himself. Start with the thank-yous and look for what is good. There are some days where the last thing we want to do is rejoice. Our mood is down, our situation is out of hand, and our sorrow is overwhelming. We can relate to the writers of Psalms who also felt this way. But no matter how low the psalmists felt, they were always honest about God. As they talked to God to express anger and grief, their prayers typically ended in praise. It is OK to share everything with God. If you do not feel like rejoicing, it is OK to vulnerably share with God about how you feel. When we honestly share with the Lord, He will give us hope to cling to.

“Be glad!
This is the result! Calmness can come to your soul, but not because things are perfect. Rather it comes in knowing that we have a God who loves and forgives in spite of it. You do not have to regret yesterday, and you do not need to fear tomorrow. We are discouraged when we always hear the negative, but motivation comes when we give hope for the future. Be glad for what you have and speak life-giving words into your spouse.

HOME DECORATING

Is God your first-responder or last-resort? So many days, God is our last-resort after the nagging, arguing, and silent treatment. Instead, try to turn to God first. I might say, “Father, forgive Marv, because he does not know how much that hurt me.” When I do this, I am more likely to approach Marv in a kind way.

What are some ways we can make our relationship better?

DAILY

  • Watch your first and last words of an encounter. These have a high impact. What is are the first/last words to your spouse each day?
  • Notice your first and last actions of the day. Was I thinking just about myself? Is there something kind I can do for my spouse?
  • Renew your thoughts (hourly/daily). Are you only thinking about why you are irritated? Whatever we rehearse, we get better at. When we choose to look for the good, it changes our perspective.
  • Take time to maintain intimacy. Connect with a touch. Look into each other’s heart and have compassion for the struggles. Show hopefulness to your spouse and children.

WEEKLY

  • Schedule a date and be creative. New restaurant. Afternoon picnic. Explore something new. Spend time together. There was once a longing and creativity when you were young and dating. Continue to put it as a priority in your calendar!
  • Join a support group / Bible study. Join other couples to get support for your marriage.
  • Schedule counseling. If you are having trouble, seek wise counsel.

MONTHLY/QUARTERLY/ANNUALLY

  • Plan special times together around events (birthdays, anniversaries). Celebrate the milestones in your marriage and family and use them as a time to remember the blessings.
  • Schedule management meetings. A well run family needs some organizing and making space for each other in the calendar.
  • Dream for the future. Dreams keep us looking forward and growing together.

Promises are hard to keep in the making-lunches, folding-laundry, paying-bills, meeting-deadlines, stress-filled days. In fact, it can kill a marriage because we start to lose one another along the way. Restoring a stronger, hotter marriage means that we need to connect, reconnect, and be good forgivers. Celebrate the little things and fill your mind with the good things about your spouse.

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