Typically, the word discipline is used in a negative way. “Aren’t you going to discipline your child?!” The person who says this usually means: Give him a consequence. Give her a punishment.
In Hebrews 12, the Bible says, “…The Lord disciplines the one he loves.” [Hebrews 12:6-7] The word discipline comes from the Latin word discipulus, meaning “pupil”. The Latin word disciplina, meaning “instruction and training” is also derived from the root word discere (“to learn”). This is the same source for the word disciple (a follower of Jesus Christ).
Discipline is not rules and punishments. Rather, discipline is a discipleship process of equipping people to become men and women of good works.
In Scripture, the Apostle Paul tells Timothy, “What is God’s word for?”
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
2 Timothy 3:16-17 [NIV]
In the same way, as parents, what are our words for? What is our purpose when we have children? For me, discipline is a positive word because it is about instruction, training, and guidance.
REINFORCING THE FOUNDATION
I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people . . . For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.
Jeremiah 31:33-34 [NKJV]
Discipline is a training process for our children which involves setting boundaries and enforcing them with the ultimate goal of a child having self-discipline. It is our responsibility to bring the law to our children’s minds. Moral development is not a natural development like physical growth of teeth, hair, and body. Discipline takes time and it take US to bring it to our children’s lives. And when there are mistakes and screw ups (iniquities), continue to call one another into relationship. Iniquities are the very things that separate us from God and each other. God called out to Adam and Eve, “Where are you?” when they sinned in the Garden. God continues to call us because He wants relationship restored. Likewise, we want to create those same opportunities of restoration with our family.
THE PLAN
God gives us principles in the Bible to guide our parenting. He models for us a relationship of connecting – a connection of the heart – as He teaches and corrects. (Read more about Building Relationships) We like to break down discipline into 4 components based on 2 Timothy 3:16-17.
- Teaching
- Reprimanding
- Correcting
- Training
Teaching: Setting the standard.
What am I supposed to do? Teaching begins with the basic instructions of what to do. Teaching to walk – we put our hands out for their first steps. Riding a bike – we hold the seat, run along side, and let go. Putting your toys away, finishing homework, saying please and thank you. Psalm 32:8 says it so wisely, “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” What possible strength does the eye have over a person’s behavior? It’s THE LOOK or the attentive eye – used to correct, redirect, or guide. God is attentive and wants us to walk well so He instructs us. As we teach, we give eye contact to our children, we connect with the eye, a relationship develops, and our children see our heart.
In Deuteronomy 6:6-7, Moses tells the Israelites, “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” We teach by example and instruction. The standard needs to be in our hearts, so that we can talk about it with our children. Model it, then mentor. We don’t need to be perfect; we can run and learn together.
Reprimanding: Identifying their behavior different from the standard.
What did I do? Each of our 3 daughters has very different personalities, and each had her own creative way of coming up with misbehaviors that I had not thought about. When that would happen, I would be caught off guard and had not made up a consequence ahead of time. So on the spot, I would think of a consequence that I might later regret. Making a consequence in the heat of anger is never a good thing. Reprimanding is bringing their behavior up against a standard while affirming your child in love. If there is an unexpected behavior that has never been directly addressed with a planned consequence, take some time aside with your spouse to calmly discuss what will happen. How do we affirm while reprimanding?
Try this: “You, I love. What you just did to your sister was very hurtful.”
As you say this, identify the tone in which you are speaking. Is your face one that your child wants to connect with? Is your tone inviting?
Identify behaviors when they are young. If you tolerate disrespect, temper tantrums, whining, rude tones in a preschooler, at 2-years-old, it might be cute. At 12, not so cute. At 22, very obnoxious. Look at behavior with a long-term view. As they get older, children’s bad behaviors get louder and more repulsive because they are deeply entrenched in habit.
Correcting: Fixing the wrong.
How can I make it right? How many times, after a fight, have you told your child, “Go, say you’re sorry!” Or when a child gets caught in misconduct, he quickly pleads, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” While it is not wrong to teach children to apologize, I believe that many children think that once they say, “Sorry,” the issue is over. What is often forgotten is the next step, or consequence – the next sequence of action after the infraction. There is a correction that needs to happen. If you spill it, you clean it up. If you break it, you fix/restore/replace it. When hearts get invested in fixing or cleaning up, the learning is more impactful. Every problem has an owner; find the owner, and make it right. When you find the owner of the behavior, she needs to be involved in fixing it. If she does not acknowledge the problem, keep asking questions: What happened? What did you do?
Consequences are some of the best teachers. However, it does not have to take away from care and empathy. Anger sabotages the very goals that we want kids to do when they fail. We want them to own their actions, so make it safe. Listen and make a consequence that fits the crime by keeping it fair, age-appropriate, and behavior-appropriate.
Training In Righteousness: Learning a new way.
What can I do from now on? Training is not a one time lesson. It takes 3 weeks to create a new habit. Imagine the investment it takes to drop an old behavior and create a new one. A good coach trains in righteousness. We may need to keep our loving eyes on our kids to make sure a new habit takes root. Focus on the action and give choices. It is okay to let your kids “fail” (think natural consequences). As you coach through new behaviors, here are a few parenting red flags to avoid:
- Don’t assume motivation. “You are just trying to bug me!” Identify the behavior, but do not read their hearts. We are not mind readers.
- Don’t attack character. If they keep spilling things on the floor, don’t say, “You are so messy!” Rather, address what just happened, “You are leaving clothes all over the floor.”
- Don’t attach history. When we are forgiven, we are cleansed. When I put on my shirt this morning, I put on a clean shirt. It might have had a few old stains on it, but it was washed and cleaned. Give your kids a sense that they are putting on a clean shirt when they confess and have consequences. Refrain from using phrases like, “There you go again,” when you train.
- Don’t ask, “Why did you do that?” Instead, ask, “What happened?” Asking WHY creates distance, hiding, shame, and excuse-making. Teach your children to own their actions and to see the impact on themselves and others. Have them plan what they can DO to correct the wrong and praise them when they get it right!
Until your children embrace who they are and who you are, they will fight you. We can’t control, but we can apply pressure. Boundaries are discipleship fences. Commands are rules on how we live inside them. These fences are designed to give us freedom. Think of the analogy of the freeway: limited access and exits, but free to go one way fast! There are guide rails and lane dividers on the sides to prevent us from falling off a cliff and to prevent cars crashing into on-coming traffic. These boundaries also give us the freedom to drive 65 miles per hour with confidence!
What is the goal of discipline? So that you may be “thoroughly equipped for every good work.” [2 Timothy 3:17] Even as I walked each of my 3 daughters down the aisle when they got married, I still thought, “There are things I still haven’t taught her yet.” We are never really finished parenting because we (parents) are still growing. Even in my 80’s, I am still growing and working on my discipline and discipleship in Jesus.