Discipline is a word that evokes a variety of emotions in people. It is the fear when you got in trouble. It is the “Charlie Brown” lecture that falls to deaf ears. It is the frustrated mom at her wit’s end. It is the time-out or spanking. It is a memory of a raging parent.
As parents, if we dig deeper into our hopes for our children, we can reinterpret discipline as a means of connecting instead of disconnecting. Discipline can be about creating boundaries of freedom as we reinforce the foundation of our family. Creating boundaries eliminates the need to micromanage. It liberates us from overseeing every little detail to the point of causing irritation and conflict. Clear boundaries help us focus on the important issues.
We break down discipline into four basic components: teaching, reprimanding, correcting, and training in righteousness.
- Teaching – “What am I supposed to do?” Teaching is when we set the standard. Isaiah 2:3 states, “He will teach us his ways so that we may walk in his paths.” Teaching is the most effective when we MODEL and MENTOR. Even our parental mistakes are opportunities to model confession and forgiveness in front of our children.
- Reprimanding – “What did I do?” Reprimanding is identifying the behavior different from the standard. We should let the child take responsibility for his action (every problem has an owner), but at the same time affirm your love for him. Focus on the ACTION, but don’t presume motivation, attach history, or attack character. It’s OK to let your kids “fail”; it allows them the opportunity for correction.
- Correcting – “How can I make it right?” Correcting is fixing the wrong. A tendency for many parents is to ask, “What were you thinking?! Why did you . . . ?!” Most of the time the answer will be, “I don’t know,” because sometimes they really don’t know, or we won’t be satisfied by their response anyway. Instead, ask, “How did this happen? What steps lead to this?” Don’t be afraid of your child’s poor choices, rather, have him plan what they CAN DO to correct the wrong and clean up the messes.
- Training in Righteousness – “What can I do from now on?” To train is to learn a new way. As a coach, we think of new plays and give them opportunity to practice. As your child’s personal character trainer, watch him in action, praise and encourage when they do right, and prepare him to make good choices with unlimited options.
Rather than being reactive in situations, it helps to think long term. The heart building never stops.