The idea of parents working together all of the time is a fantasy. I share this as an encouragement! Marv and I have been partners in parenting (and grand-parenting) for 50 years now, and we still have to work at this. We each have different skills sets and different approaches, and even now, I get surprised that we still have to work at parenting in unison.
In the broad sense, I would say that Marv and I were fairly unified in our parenting. We both wanted our family life inside and outside our home to reflect the values and teachings of Jesus Christ. However, our personalities and experiences from our family-of-origin differed, and it influenced how we related values to our girls.
For many couples, just getting on the same page is a challenge. You may be coming from different religious beliefs, family backgrounds, or financial practices. One of you is structured; the other is spontaneous. All of the things that were so cute when you were first dating are now irritants and points of conflict.
Some couples might be on the same page, heading in the same direction, but are struggling (especially during this pandemic) with anxiety, anger, or depression. Parenting might feel lonely when you see a child struggling. Unresolved relationships from your own childhood and family might also create barriers in nurturing current relationships.
Can we parent on the same team, in different positions, but work together?
REFRESH
Moms and dads have have different styles. Celebrate what you have in common and allow your partner to serve from his/her strength. Your child does better when bonded with the BOTH of you. Each parent teaches problem solving skills, and each parent uniquely enhances language development.
Marv uses a great illustration of a nut cracker when he describes parenting as a team. There are 2 handles on the nut cracker that work together. One lifts the nut up; the other presses down. The nut cracker handles, together, provide pressure on a walnut shell to release the tasty nut meat. When mom and dad come together, they help nurture the good stuff out of kids!
RE-DO
How can we help our child with the relationship with the OTHER parent? Are we a cheerleader or sabotager?
Appreciate your spouse’s strengths and verbalize it to your child. Moms, tell your sons how your husband is a great father. Dads, tell your daughters why her mother is so amazing. Moms, tell your daughters why you fell in love with her dad. Dads, tell your sons how his mom makes you a better partner. One day your son will be a husband/father, and your daughter a wife/mother. You are a model of who they can be and who they may marry. Speak to the good characteristics of your spouse rather than sabotaging with digs. (“He finally did the dishes today!” “Mom’s on one of her rants again.”) Be careful of constantly correcting your spouse and taking over. We have to remember not to judge our spouse through the lens of our personal strength. No one likes doing something they aren’t good at. Competence breeds incompetence, so rather than insisting something be done the right way (AKA your way), articulate your appreciation it was done! Children can motivate parents to build a stronger marriage bond and work as a team.
Note to Mom: Let dad be dad.
Note to Dad: Let mom be mom.
What if the other parent is unavailable?
You don’t need to be both mom and dad. Look to family or extended family for help. Surround your child with other good adult role models who share your values and can speak encouragement into them.
REWARD
Children do better having both mom and dad in their lives. One of the most important things in our marriages is forgiveness. It takes a lot of giving and forgiving.
For two to make it . . . , it takes three, and its best if one is divine.
Marv Warman
We do not have to walk this parenting journey alone. Our Heavenly Father is our helper. With His wisdom, we can raise the standard of loving!