What is a life coach? When adults are looking to make a change, they seek a life coach or mentor to help reach a certain goal or create a new path. Life coaches help you to get out of your head and start taking action. They are motivators, strategists, and accountability partners.
Congratulations, parents, you are life coaches! You guide your children, motivate their hearts, strategize how to reach goals, and keep them accountable. You are in a discipleship relationship with your children. They hear your words, watch your actions, and need your encouragement. When issues in parenting arise, change them into opportunities for some life coaching!
RESOURCE
A good coach builds the individual and builds the team. As a parent, my coach is our Heavenly Father. He is the one I turn to when I am distressed. He is the one who guides my decisions. He is the one who encourages me to grow into the person He created me to be.
God, you’re such a safe and powerful place to find refuge! You’re a proven help in time of trouble; more than enough and always available whenever I need you. So we will never fear even if every structure of support were to crumble away . . .
Psalm 46:1-2 [TPT]
When I am filled and encouraged by my coach, I can be more effective in coaching my home team. Part of that process is recognizing where I am and where my child is. My daughter, Maria, shared with me a wonderful illustration from The Yes Brain. Our brain can be described as having blue, green and red zones. When we are emotionally in the Green Zone, our brains and emotions are open, receptive, and resilient. When we are in a stressed state, we become reactive and move toward a Blue Zone (shut down, depression, withdrawl, hopelessness) or Red Zone (anger, high anxiety, fight or flight).
Green Zone = Open, Receptive, Resilient.
Blue Zone = Shut down, Withdrawn. Red Zone = Volatile, Explosive.
The COVID pandemic has narrowed our Green Zone. One of the reasons why we have been feeling so weary is because our Green Zone has become very thin. When we feel additional strain, we move out of Green much quicker. In the Blue Zone, we experience fear and depression, while in the Red Zone, explosive anger takes over.
The pandemic has narrowed our Green Zone.
When stressed, we move to Blue and Green Zones much quicker.
Children, for the most part, live in the Green Zone 80% of the time. They are flexible and resilient! As parents, we need to learn to expand our Green Zones so that we can coach from a healthier place. How do we expand our Green Zones so that we are more open and receptive?
Expanding our Green Zones.
REFRESH
Connect. A connected child is more easily disciplined. When needs are met, a parent and child are naturally more connected. Holding and rocking your baby is one of the foundations that begin this process. Our eye contact and pleasant voice also send messages of connectedness to our young ones. As the children grow, we need to continue to seek connecting-points with each child. Continue to be the initiator for your middle schooler and teen, even when they don’t seem to want anything to do with you. It could be an activity, favorite meal, spontaneous trip to the mall, or tossing the ball in the backyard. Don’t give up!
Build Trust. A child who trusts his parents is more likely to be open to their direction. When you respond to your child’s needs, you are building trust. Meet needs quickly and appropriately. Have special individual time with each child. Remember that your older kids still have a need for your nurturing.
Recognize You Are An Authority. Parents who are connected to their child are more likely to give appropriate direction. Authority is established by God, modeled by parents, and rehearsed at home. There are two general motivations to obey: (A) To appease an angry parent, or (B) to please a parent that you love. When establishing authority, realize that TRUST comes before OBEDIENCE. Respect is based on trust; this is why we emphasize connection. When we connect, we can then direct.
RE-DO
Life coaching involves speaking into the identity of your child: He is fully loved by his Creator. He is unconditionally loved by his parents. Speak to your son’s integrity and kindness. Speak to your daughter’s courage, compassion, and character. Connection, trust, and authority are the beginning building blocks of discipleship in your home.
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17 [NIV]
It would be impossible for one tool to become sharper without the presence of the other. Like iron, we sharpen each other by coming along side to sharpen, not butting heads and coming at each other. Our days won’t always be great ones, but with honesty and humility, we can parent from an open heart just by saying, “Today was a rough day for me . . . Tomorrow I think I can do better!”