From the time a newborn baby (or adopted child) becomes a member of our family, our goal is to build a bond of love and trust. We want to communicate acceptance and unconditional love by bonding and investing in building a healthy relationship that will last. When my children were young, as I looked 20 years into future, I wanted us to have adult family dinners where we all enjoyed each other’s company. Now, with a family table of 17 which includes our adult daughters, sons-in-law, and grandchildren, I know that this gathering took work. It was built with hugs, tears, laughter, forgiveness, and sacrifice. It was created with intentional connections.
THE MODEL
God is always initiating the process of connecting and bonding. He did it in the Garden of Eden. He did it on Earth through Jesus Christ. He continues to do it with us today through His Word and Holy Spirit.
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10b [NIV]
God has always been the Comer! Likewise, we model this same coming to our babies when they cry. We come when they need feeding. We come when they need help. We even come when they don’t want us. Building connection doesn’t come easily. It is physically and emotionally exhausting and requires constant initiation. God made our precious little baby so cute and snuggly as an infant so that when she cried at 2AM, we would keep coming. Building that bond in the early years, keeps us connected so that when the 12-year-old rolls her eyes, we still come.
THE VISION
Our long-term parenting vision when it comes to bonding is about staying connected and having relationship with adult children.
My mother, Amanda Rempel, was an example to me about the potential impact we have with our choices today and how they can impact the next generations. Her life scripture was Psalm 71 as she prayed that God would give her the strength to demonstrate undeserving grace to the next generation. Her legacy lives on as I continue to tell the stories of her life, her family, and her love for the Lord. My bond with her is deep, and I carry her with me whenever I speak to young mothers. She invested in me and my sisters, her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren.
I couldn’t begin to count the times you’ve been there for me.
Psalm 71:15-18 [The Passion Translation]
With the skill of a poet I’ll never run out of things to say
of how you faithfully kept me from danger.
I will come forth in your mighty strength, O my Lord God.
I’ll tell everyone that you alone are the perfect one.
From my childhood you’ve been my teacher,
and I’m still telling everyone of your miracle-wonders!
God, now that I’m old and gray, don’t walk away.
Give me grace to demonstrate to the next generation
all your mighty miracles and your excitement,
to show them your magnificent power!
MAKING DEPOSITS
Between birth and release, we are seeking to bond and connect at home through our interactions. Why do we need to connect? For survival, security, and success. Our infants need our constant care for nourishment to survive. As our children grow, they become more independent. With the security of a family base, they can have the courage to venture out, take risks, and try new things. In time, they will find success in the things they are passionate about.
When does bonding become hard? Pain is often the root of disconnection. When we experience pain, our automatic response is to withdraw. Why would we connect with someone not appreciating it? As parents, we need to be careful not to withdraw when our children are hurting us. This is when we need to be fully present – even through the anger and tears. They need to know that they are loved and that they belong.
Most needy adults may not have had needs met as a young child. So connect with your children now, so that they know you are a shelter in their storms.
INVESTMENT TIPS
When creating bonds, there are daily, weekly, monthly and yearly investments. These connections are a string of small moments, and during these connecting moments, we send the message:
- You belong
- I am here for you
- You can come to me anytime
Even in the not-so-pretty-moments of a lie, argument, bad grade, careless social media post, lost phone privileges, missed curfew, or mom/dad just over-reacting and losing it, we can redeem the moments with honest, heart-felt conversation by going back to the connecting points. This doesn’t mean parents ditch consequences when there are obvious infractions. It means listening from the heart (before we offer the advice). When you have a connection and foundation in your family, you earn the right to be heard. This goes both ways – for child and parent.
What are some practical ways we can connect during the different stages of parenting?
PREGNANCY
- Reading about stages of pregnancy and preparing for birth
- Singing, talking to your child
- Praying for your child
- Having a positive attitude
BIRTH
- Educating yourself on birth
- Holding and nursing after birth
INFANCY
- Responding to needs consistently
- Holding, rocking, touching, interacting
- Delighting in the sweet moments in-between naps/feeding/diaper changes
Caution: Don’t rush to the next stage, but rather be prepared.
PRESCHOOL
- Holding, rocking, touching
- Playing, talking, singing, walking, reading
- Having meals at home together, starting a family night
- Developing night-time rituals, being available for night-time fears
- Responding to needs consistently
- Fun family trips or vacations
- Taking them to church
- Going to the library, park, zoo
- Praying for, praying with
Observation: As you can see the list gets longer as they get older.
ELEMENTARY
- Holding, hugging
- Playing games, puzzles, blocks
- Talking, listening, reading
- Continuing night-time rituals
- Responding to needs
- Sitting together at meals, continuing family night
- Taking annual vacations
- Adding a one-on-one “date” with your child
- Taking them to their activities, lessons, practices
- Helping with schoolwork and projects
- Volunteering at their schools
Caution: Don’t spend time today regretting the failures of the last stage. Live in the NOW and start fresh today.
PRE-TEEN & TEEN
- Asking questions more than lecturing
- Listening a lot
- Staying in communication
- Discussing future options
- Showing flexibility with schedules
- Going to their events
- Getting to know their friends
- Scheduling family times
- Continuing your traditions and vacations
COLLEGE & YOUNG ADULT
- Staying involved with plans and preparation
- Keep finding connecting points (they may be new ones!)
- Sending care packages
- When possible, visiting
- Planning surprises
- Celebrating when they come home
- Scheduling family times
- Communicating with and praying for
The Reality: If you PAY, they will come!
As your child gets older, your connections will be:
Less natural, more intentional
Less commanding, more responsive
Less physically demanding, more emotionally demanding
Easier, then harder
ALWAYS UNCONDITIONAL
Over the many years that I have taught teenagers music lessons, they shared four main things that they remember while growing up. They were: celebrating traditions, being responsive to needs, having meal together, and going on family vacations. These are some of the very moments where bonds are built. Rarely mentioned was the latest video game or new toy/electronic. Keep initiating and pursuing your kids. The toys, games, shopping, food, movies may be an open window into their world, but go one step further to engage with conversation and to affirm their character. Miles and age cannot take away the connection you build with your children.
FUTURE DIVIDEND: LASTING RELATIONSHIPS
The dividend on investing in your child is that they can grow to be independent of us, interdependent with others, and dependent on God. There are no guarantees, but there is always hope, prayer, and the relentless pursuit of the connection with our children.