Dear Joyce,
I wanted to ask you for your advice about our 3 year-old. She is FEARFUL of so many things – almost anything with loud noise (dogs, trains, fireworks, people who speak loudly- including my brother and her teacher). If/when she sees or hears anything she is afraid of, she will cry hysterically and sometimes can’t contain herself.  She is also scared to go to sleep (so bedtime is a challenge every evening).  We just DO NOT understand her fears.  We have tried to calm her, talked to her about the things she fears, prayed for her and with her, but she is still so scared and most of the times she will just cry and cannot/will not communicate with us, which tests our patience.  Can you please give us advice on how to deal/help her get over them/give her confidence/etc.?
Susan
Dear Susan,
It sounds like you are parenting well. Realize that when a child, or any human, is deep in their emotions, they do not think clearly. You will not get answers when she is in the middle of her fears.
Recommendation: Hold her firmly, not tightly, and whisper, “I love you and with mommy (daddy) you are safe!â€Â When she says, “Leave me alone,†I would stay in the room and say, “ I am going to stay with you!† She may or may not like it but stay – stroke her or simply be in the room.  She really needs you to be calmly “in charge†when she is out of control!  When she is not crying or in the middle of an “episode†teach and talk about her fears, i.e. dogs, how some people talk loudly, some softly (the things that scare her). Gradually introduce her to some of her fears – a fire station, a friendly dog. You can hold her and tell her that she is safe and that the firetruck is safe and a helper and explain how it helps etc. She has fears, however, her reactions can come out of habits now so you want to work on building new choices, new habits of “what we say and do when we are afraid!â€
Habits do not change overnight so realize when you try something, it has to be repeated and consistent for a new habit to be learned.
Blessings, Joyce