We can’t have a healthy family without some conflict. It’s normal because we are intimate with each other. Our goal is to know how to be a problem solver:
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.
Romans 14:19 [NIV]
Where do our conflicts come from? The book of James highlights our personal motives:
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
James 4:1-3 [NIV]
Most conflicts arise when we think we are the most important, and our personal needs & wants are put before others. Ironically, some mothers tend to push theirs aside (yield too much), and this strategy can backfire in the form of resentment and delayed conflict. So, how are we supposed to handle conflict?
Identify our desire
What is your goal? What do you want to get done?
Recognize how we personally handle conflict
Are you explosive or implosive? When in our explosive/implosive mindsets, what kinds of words cause damage – over-reactions, sarcasm (speaking the truth in hate), presumptions, judgements, comparisons?
- Explosive
- Blow up
- Rage is disproportionate to event
- Implosive
- Yield, withdraw, avoid
- Passive aggressive
Retrain our tongue
Ask with respect & kindness, and teach our kids to do so also. Discuss feelings/thoughts without judgement. Lastly, we need to align our expectations on what it means to “win” an argument:
- Win on your convictions (these are the BIG issues)
- Yield when it isn’t important
- Learn to resolve (work it out) & compromise (get something, lose something)
Making the connection
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.
Philippians 2:1-2 [NIV]
Philippians 2:1 shows us there are four things we receive from the Lord: connection (encouragement from being united with Christ), bonding (comfort from his love), communication (fellowship with the Spirit back and forth), and kindness (tenderness and compassion).
Just as we receive these things from our Heavenly Father, so we should give these to each other!