Dear Joyce,
I have three children, and it seems like I am always repeating myself. They keep disobeying me, and the older they get, the more out of control our lives seem to be. What punishment should I give them so they stop disobeying?
Sabrina
Dear Sabrina,
Discipline is a training process that involves setting boundaries and enforcing the boundaries with the ultimate goal of your child having self-discipline. Your children may think of boundaries as confining, but in reality, boundaries can be liberating. Boundaries are fences. Commands are rules as to how we live inside the fence. When the fences are clearly established and enforced, family life is more enjoyable. When you set appropriate boundaries, you and your children can focus your energy and attention on moving forward. Moms who hope that their children will just start obeying end up constantly repeating themselves and micromanaging family life. Punishment i.e. having consequences for bad behavior, is a part of the discipline package but will be ineffective unless the other components are utilized:
- TEACHING is setting the standard and letting your child know, “What am I supposed to do?” Teaching is most effective when you model the behavior you are teaching.
- REBUKING or reproving is identifying their behavior that is different from the standard, “What did I do?” Because of the busyness of life, we typically do the rebuking and do not take time to teach clearly or move through the final two steps.
- CORRECTING is fixing the wrong. “How can I make it right?” Teach your child to own their action and to see the impact on themselves and others. Don’t accept excuses and after the behavior is identified, your child needs to make things right.
- TRAINING IN RIGHTEOUSNESS, or “What can I do from now on?” Think coach and teach new plays. As a personal trainer, give them opportunities to practice and praise and encourage when they do it right.
For example, if your child asks for a cookie and you clearly say, “You may have one.” However, they keep begging to have more than one . . .
- Teach: You may always ask once and once I give my answer, do not keep begging.
- Reprove: You have asked three times!
- Correction: Now you get nothing – zero cookies!
- Train: What can you do next time?
Training is not a lecture, or a one time lesson. Learning new habits generally takes at least 3 weeks. Commit yourself to deal with the bad behavior and don’t quit. Be gracious to yourself and your child while you are in the learning curve.
Love, Joyce