Dear Joyce,
Help! You mentioned that it is wise to sit with our child when they begin taking music lessons. I am doing that when Katie practices piano. She and I generally get along well, but as her piano pieces have grown more difficult, her frustration has increased . . . and so has mine! I have been trying to remain patient and encouraging, but I am failing miserably. Before I scar our relationship and become the reason Katie refuses to continue playing, I thought I should get some help from you. How can I convey the same information and correction but in a more encouraging and positive way? I am trying to understand why there are some things that completely set me off. Can you share some tips and secrets?
Love,
Amy
Dear Amy,
The scenario you are talking about is common and affects moms when they are practicing with their child or helping them with homework. The best part of assisting your child with homework or music practicing is that you are getting to observe how your child handles frustration. Moms are so connected to their children – it makes it more difficult to teach some concepts without getting emotionally involved. The music teacher hopefully is not only a great musician, but also loves your child so she can mentor Katie effectively. A good teacher will connect with your child but does not have to deal with all the daily issues that you do. You know Katie’s strengths and weaknesses so well, it is hard to stay cool!!! Observe the teacher as he/she teaches your child and take notes. I suggest you sit with Katie and read what the teacher has asked her to do. Calmly go through each part of the assignment. When Katie is rude, say, “We will start over, and your practicing will not be done until you have played everything your teacher has asked you to do.” When your emotions flare, leave the piano and come back when you can sit with her and be an effective help. Realize that it takes up to 20-30 minutes for most of us to cool down. There is hope! As she gets more advanced, she will learn to work more independently. Soon you can sit with her the first day after the lesson and then just help when you are “called,” i.e. when they are not practicing or getting their homework done.
Tomorrow let Katie know how proud you are of her and perhaps remind her how blessed she is to have you, that is why she is moving so fast and that the two of you working together is making that happen. Let her know that both of you will have to learn the best way to work together. Please do not let her “quit” because your daughter does not love to practice or because she gives you a hard time. I have so few students that enjoy the process of practicing – they just want the result. Explain calmly that no number of tantrums will remove your responsibilities. A fit does not equal quit – it is a call to work together to help your child cope. When you are helping your child with homework or practicing, remind them that you are coming along side of them. Do not expect “applause” after your speech! You are a great mother – know that a good mother surrounds herself and her child with supplements (coaches, teachers, youth leaders) because no mom can do the whole task effectively without help.
Love, Joyce