Dear Joyce, How do you deal with temper tantrums?

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Dear Joyce,

I have a child (2nd born) who exhibits temper tantrums.  She will scream real loud in short bursts and will not let me help her (sometimes the screams are because she is frustrated with something – like not being able to put clothes on right, but won’t let me help her).  I just walk out of the room when it’s a tantrum of disobedience to signify that that’s not acceptable.  But when she’s screaming out of frustration, I don’t know what to do for her.  Am I doing the
right thing when it’s out of disobedience by ignoring her and leaving the room?

Lily

Dear Lily,

I wish I knew the age of your daughter so I could answer more specifically.  Being the second born, she may be comparing her skills to her older sibling.  Study each child so that you can praise as well as deal with the unique problem areas.  It is hard to analyze why a young child gets frustrated i.e. lack of vocabulary skills, lack of impulse control, fear of abandonment,
need for food or sleep, or a sense of helplessness.  Just remember that when we as moms are in emotional distress, we rarely think clearly. 

We are the primary, and sometimes, the only resource to call.  When I suggest to “ignore a behavior,” I am referring to not letting inappropriate behavior “work” for your child.  When your child is screaming, assure her that you love her, and that when she is in control, you will talk.  It is appropriate to have your child go to her room when she is behaving badly.

When she is not upset, teach her how she can show her frustration.  Tell her what she cannot do when she is angry – throw things, scream at you, hit, etc.  Let her know she can come and ask for help.  Teach her what she can do and say:

  • “If you need me, ask for help.”
  • “Give me words that I can understand.”
  • “Use your talking voice.”

When you tuck your child in at night, read books on values and character.  Our grandchildren love hearing the Joy Berry series on Help Me Be Good – stories about Being Rude, Fighting. . .   They like to hear about how we got in trouble when we were their age.  Give your child hope for the future!  “We will get through this!”

To believe in a God who is there, we need to reflect that we are a resource when our child is frustrated and hurt.  I am so encouraged when I read the Psalms and am reminded who I can turn to!  My prayer is that I will reflect that to my children and grandchildren:

  • They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed.  [Psalm 22:5]
  • I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and hear my cry.  [Psalm 40:1]
  • O Lord, my God, I called to you for help and your healed me.  [Psalm 30:2]
  • Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  [Ephesians 4:32]

Love, Joyce


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