We’ve been talking about Home Improvement and how during COVID a lot of us made some home improvements because we noticed all the things that needed fixing since we spent so much time at home. Some of us painted, and others decided to address the painting later because the bathroom needed an update. Some fixed up outdoor spaces, and some of us remodeled indoors. We couldn’t tackle every project and every imperfection. Given the time, budget, and space, we had to choose which home improvements would take priority.
What Marv and I hoped was that we also looked at the issues inside our family and how they affected our relationships. Everywhere you go, there you are! The issues we face follow us wherever we go, whether it is at home, work, school, or Disneyland. It is probably very easy to point out all the problems that trip up our children or need an adjustment. When you see it, first make a mental note and jot it down. Honestly, if you dealt with every single one, every moment of the day, your home would be so messy! Choose one issue at a time to focus on and pray for the right moment/s to bring up the unsettled matter. There is an art to selective neglect (but you aren’t going to neglect it forever). Which improvement will we address this season? Children are works IN PROCESS . . . just like us!
ARCHITECT’S DESIGN
It takes wisdom to build a house,
Proverbs 24:3-4 [The Message]
and understanding to set it on a firm foundation;
It takes knowledge to furnish its rooms
with fine furniture and beautiful draperies.
It takes wisdom (God’s point of view) to build a home, and building good relationships play into this. If children do not have a good relationship with parents, it is harder to speak into their character. By teaching from God’s point of view, we can build a firm foundation of understanding in our homes.
REINFORCING THE FOUNDATION
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Colossians 3:12-15 [NIV]
From the time our babies were born, we were building a connection. The late-night feedings, cuddles, rocking, playing games, meals together, walks to school, and doing activities together were all building blocks to create connectors. However, not every moment is rosy and beautiful. Life is messy and so is our home. Tantrums. Whining. Anger. Exhaustion. Frustration. Entitlement. Forgetfulness. Lies. Mistrust. Envy. Hurt. Both parents and children experiences these, but we don’t want to stay there emotionally. The connectors that we have built over time offer an open door to communication, repair, and healing. This is why we want to build and protect our relationships and heart connections with our loved ones at home.
Belongingness (acceptance) is a number one need in our lives, and we want to communicate to our children, “You are unconditionally loved and accepted! You belong in our family!” This is why I love Colossians 3 where it talks about putting on the virtues of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and love. These characteristics remind us to keep connecting. Pursue the relationship with your child. Speak to his heart. Don’t give up! Jesus came down to our level to meet us. We can follow his example to keep coming, keep pursuing, keep relating, and keep connecting. It is our love and heart journey with our child that will motivate them to embrace the journey of responsibility.
If children do not have a good relationship with you, it is harder to speak into their character.
HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE
How can we build healthy relationships? We all want good relationships with our spouse and children. Why is it so hard? How did we birth people who we are failing to have a good relationship with?
Relationship busters are often due to over-committment (no time) and past life experiences (no attachment).
When we are over-committed, there is always a sense of urgency – for them and for us. It is so easy to get caught up in all of the out-sourcing options after a year of Zoom-everything, especially now that activities have opened up post-shutdown. And even now, there is also at ever-dangling fear, “What if things get shut down again?” How much do we allow ourselves to engage or re-engage in life?
There is so much appreciation for the ballet class, soccer clinic, basketball tournament, baseball game, karate class, music lesson, in-person tutoring, marching band, football game, youth group, weekend retreat, camping with the scouts, after-school sports, and live concert. But, this can keep us so busy and over-committed, and our kids struggle to juggle all of this while dealing with personal insecurities. In fact, it might all be too overwhelming that it is easier to “not bother” than to be defeated and rejected. For some kids, they end up lashing out as away to rebel against their inner critic, and it creates tension in the home. What can we do to fight the fatigue and frustration over-committment?
Our own past life experiences can also create relationship busters and manifest itself as avoiding close friendships or having a hard time getting close to people. If we don’t recognize our personal hurts and issues, our coping mechanisms tend to be staying busy with activity, attachment to things, withholding/withdrawing, or over-control. If we have a hard time with a relationship, we go to the place where we won’t get hurt. This is not helpful for current/future relationships, and often creates more hurts. How do we heal from our past and mend our current relationships?
Relationship builders can can start with 4 things:
Your Words
Your Presence
Your Support
Your Respect
Try initiating connection by starting with something simple – your presence. Snuggle, read together, eat together, take a walk, drive from A to B together.
Next, use your words to offer encouragement and build into their character. Communicate to them why you like them. Tell stories. Ask questions.
Listen to your children one-on-one so they know you are interested in THEM. As you listen, you will hear how to support and respect their individual personalities. Try to avoid correcting their feelings. Instead, connect first. If needed, then direct.
A strong connection requires quality time AND quantity time. With persistent patience, prayer, and pursuit, you can restore connections and rebuild relationships.