One of COVID projects this past year was our home’s landscaping. Every year when we would return from Quadra in the summer, Marv would come back to many dead plants and a dead lawn. This year, he said, “I want to get to the foundation of this. Our watering system is poor, and I cannot rely on different people to keep it up.” Marv decided to get to the root level of the problem. Everything was dug up, and we got a new sprinkler system and new sod. When we returned this summer, I saw a smiling husband when we pulled into our driveway. The lawn and landscaping was maintained through the summer heat because we fixed it at the foundational level.
We are going to talk about getting to the foundation of our family values as we address BUILDING CHARACTER as part of our home improvement. Just as landscaping adds beauty and curb appeal to our home, character adds beauty and enhances our home.
ARCHITECT’S DESIGN
Wise people are builders
Proverbs 24:3-4 [The Passion Translation]
they build families, businesses, communities.
And through intelligence and insight
their enterprises are established and endure.
Because of their skilled leadership,
the hearts of people are filled with the treasures of wisdom
and the pleasures of spiritual wealth.
REINFORCING THE FOUNDATION
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
Isaiah 55:8-11 [NIV]
neither are your ways my ways,†declares the Lord.
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
As I was looking at Isaiah, I noticed that first comes our THOUGHTS, then come our ACTIONS. What we are thinking determines our actions. Your child’s thinking determines his actions, however, we tend to focus on the behaviors. When we can, we should go back and think about what came before the action. What was the THOUGHT before the behavior?
There is good news: We are promised in scripture that God will fill the gap. Like the rain and snow from up above, God will give us what we need. Rain refreshes the earth immediately. Snow, however, is hard-packed. It is for later. When the heat comes, the snow melts and restores. As I was reflecting on these verses, I realize that as parents we are snow packers. We are stacking layers of knowledge and opening up files of wisdom and truths in our children so that when the heat comes on, they will have something to draw on. Parents: Keep faithful and keep stacking the snow! Remember that snow does not melt right away. There will be moments when we think, “Haven’t they learned this yet???” Well, not right away. But do be faithful!
THE PLAN
When we have a plan, we are more likely to accomplish the goal.
We enter our homes with our unconditional LOVE for our spouse and child. As we move around our home, we try to live out characteristics such as joy, patience, kindness, self-control, peace. [Galatians 5:22-23]. As Christians, we are not merely living by a set of rules of do’s and don’ts of the Bible’s Ten Commandments. Rather, I submit to you, that we are living with a set of Ten Freedoms, as Marv likes to put it, knowing that in our home, we can feel safe, be treated with kindness, and live with peace because of our character values. There is a freedom knowing that we can trust one another and trust in our God! Our hope is that our children will know that there is freedom we live when we are kind or patient with each other. The Beatitudes [Matthew 5:3-12] also remind us that traits like humility, gentleness, mercy, single-mindedness, peace, and kindness can touch the lives of others around us.
Teaching our children character requires us to change our character. What are the weeds in our garden? When my father was 99 years old and lying in the hospital, he told me that the hardest part of living was when your mind knows what to do, but your body cannot do it. So he asked his nurse and chaplain to keep him accountable and report to him if his attitude or character never needed improvement. Was he patient enough when he had to wait for help from a nurse? Was his tone kind when he spoke to others? My father’s attitude toward continual character improvement reminds me that it is never too late to keep growing in character.
HOME INSPECTION
When we do not deal with our character issues, weeds start sprouting up in our gardens. They might look like:
- Having bad attitudes or responses
- Being unpredictable
- Anger issues from past abuse, neglect, or unmet needs,
- Repeating the same negative behaviors
- Defending flaws when they are pointed out
- Reinforcing bad habits
- Being impatient with others
- Becoming petty with others
Our weeds tend to look normal because they are common. However, if you are finding that the theme of your home is, “Don’t make mom/dad mad,” it may be time to examine your own issues and why they cause the kids to walk on eggshells. Are consequences based on behaviors, or mom/dad’s mood?
This takes us back to our first lesson [Home Improvement: What’s The Plan?] where we drew concentric circles of relationship priorities. The best way is to have our Creator, who knows us and loves us, in the center. And in the next circle, it is important that YOU show up and your spouse shows up. These are the inner circles that will show up before children and after children. The next outer circle is where your kids show up, and they often pay the price for the issues in the inner circle. When my relationship is not right with the Lord, it affects my family. Marriage issues and arguments with my spouse also impact the children. As parents, we have a clear idea of the traits we want in our children. So why don’t we have some of that for ourselves? Take the time to re-evaluate and realign.
HOME DECORATING TIPS
Let us plant some NEW SEEDS! Desire to be more like our Creator by staying close to Him, our Heavenly Father. Stay close and connected to our children so that they can feel the impact of our transformation. And most importantly, ask for forgiveness when doing wrong.
We all want a little more FRUIT in our garden. Part of building character is discussing character goals and making appropriate fences (boundaries). Our garden fences keep away the unwanted and protect the plants we want to thrive. Some fences are temporary, some permanent, some flexible. In the same way, there are boundaries for different seasons of our growth, and when we activate them, we can live freely within them and thrive! Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of each person and talk about opportunities for growth and occasions for healthy limits. Avoid the lectures, and instead, ask questions. Allow life lessons to follow and to help you and your child mature in your character.