Family conflicts are unavoidable. We have many relationships to manage: husband-wife, mother-child, father-child, brother-sister, sister-sister, brother-brother. How do you handle disagreements? Sibling rivalry? What are you doing to equip your children to deal with conflict resolution?
The fact that you have differences is not as important as how you handle your differences. There are five styles of handling conflict:
- “I win” – Relationship is not valued. Needs are met. It’s all about ME and winning.
- “I give in” – Relationship is valued. Needs are unmet. I yield to others.
- “I give up” – Relationship is not valued. Needs are unmet. I withdraw.
- “We both win” – Relationship is valued. Needs are met. I resolve.
- “What if we both . . .” – Compromise
All five styles are useful in healthy family relationships, but it is important that we don’t become an expert in just one style. Some of the survival skills we learned in our own families will not work with our spouse and children. We need to learn how to resolve, yield, and stand up for what’s important. Take the time to assess on your own, then with your partner, how conflict was handled in your family of origin. Also discuss which skill of handling conflict will you need to add for your family?
Survival Tips for Marital Conflict
- Deal with issues as they come up
- Deal with issues privately
- Go on weekly dates to maintain your relationship
- Get help when you cannot resolve your issues
- When you fight in front of the children, make sure you let them know that you have resolved it or are working on it
Survival Tips for Sibling Rivalry
- Don’t be the rescuer
- Don’t ask “why”
- Help each one own his actions
- Train and teach new ways of handling disagreements:Â “What can you do instead?”
- Don’t tolerate or ignore bad treatment of a sibling
- Teach and verbalize appreciation for each member of the family
- Consequences:
- Separate siblings
- When they use their mouth to hurt, “Think of 4 kind words to say to _____”
- When they use thier bodies to hurt, “Thing of 4 kind deeds to do for _____”
To facilitate strong sibling relationships, we need to praise and encourage the strengths of each child. Value the uniqueness of each child as each one needs to land on their own spot. At the same time, we need to be honest about the weaknesses of each person and encourage children to help each other. We build a TEAM by overlapping and compensating for one another.
I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:1b-3)