{"id":910,"date":"2020-04-24T07:03:32","date_gmt":"2020-04-24T14:03:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/warmanloving.org\/site\/?p=910"},"modified":"2022-06-21T15:52:16","modified_gmt":"2022-06-21T22:52:16","slug":"fully-invested-managing-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/warmanloving.org\/site\/fully-invested-managing-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Fully Invested: Managing Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Marv and I have been living in quarantine for over a month now.\u00a0\u00a0The novelty has worn off, and we are creating our new normal.\u00a0\u00a0Marv is counseling hurting people on the phone and with video chats from our home.\u00a0\u00a0I am teaching my music students through FaceTime and now doing speaking seminars online with Zoom.\u00a0\u00a0Our children have so generously bought and delivered us food, and I am so glad to be quarantined with my favorite person, Marv.\u00a0\u00a0But I do not like being sequestered.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I do not like teaching through video; I like side-by-side interaction.\u00a0\u00a0I miss the freedom of going out for lunch with friends; I feel boxed-in with safer-at-home orders.\u00a0\u00a0I grieve the spring anniversary trip we just cancelled; I wonder if we will be able to travel to Quadra this summer.\u00a0\u00a0I miss our Nana-Bapa nights and family dinners.\u00a0\u00a0I miss giving my children and grandchildren tight hugs.\u00a0\u00a0Listening to my students and my students’ parents lament their losses and frustrations, you might be feeling the same.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Through all the emotions we feel as individuals, mixed with the number of individuals in our sequestered household, and the added weight of expectations (and disappointments), has your home become a pressure cooker for stress?  Are you carrying tension in your body, in your home, in your relationships?  How do we keep it from spilling over onto everyone else?  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When safer-at-home began, we were trying to protect one another (our elderly, our health care workers, our most vulnerable).\u00a0However, safer-at-home 24\/7 does not shield us from each others’ flying arrows of stress or open wounds of vulnerability.\u00a0Conflicts are inevitable.\u00a0Before COVID-19, maybe the tension in our family relationships were a Level-5 on a scale of 10, but we were so busy running to work, school, practices, games . . . that we did not have time to deal with it.\u00a0Now that Level-5 tension has lost the buffer of busyness and distraction, and it is staring us in the face.\u00a0What could go wrong?\u00a0Plenty.\u00a0Fear, anger, grief, hopelessness, anxiety, inadequacy . . . these emotions can bubble up, erupt, and take that Level-5 tension to Level-10 conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do we manage conflict in our home with the goal of producing children who are *Problem Solvers*?  What kind of deposits can we make so that our children have the tools to find solutions instead of letting problems escalate and blow up?  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE MODEL<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Where do our conflicts come from?  James 4 gives great revelation:  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?\u00a0 You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it.\u00a0 And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong; you want only what will give you pleasure.<\/p>James 4:1-3 {NLT}<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Typically, we think that conflict comes from the other person<\/em>. It is not me, it is what the other person did\/said.\u00a0\u00a0More often, conflict comes from within:\u00a0\u00a0our need, our unmet expectation, our pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Living in harmony means being a peace maker. Scripture guides us in this: <\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.<\/p>Romans 14:19 {NIV}<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

In practical terms, our long-term vision is that we want to raise adults who are considerate and cooperative, know how to resolve issues in a healthy way, have tools to cope with different personalities, and have good relationship with each member of the family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INVEST NOW <\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

What kind of deposits can we make to leave a legacy with our family and help our homes manage conflict better?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you do not heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who did not cut you.<\/p>Unknown<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

We enter our marriages with some pre-existing conditions.  We are each allergic to certain tones and words.  Understanding ourselves is recognizing how we handle conflict and how that impacts everyone else.  Are you explosive or implosive?  Does your personality lend itself to blow-up and throw-up?  Is your anger disproportionate to the circumstance?  When faced with conflict, do you yield or withdraw?  Do you react passive-aggressively?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Whatever we carry into our marriage and parenting and into this unique time of quarantine, impacts everyone.\u00a0\u00a0In our sadness, anger, and all of our emotions, how do we do the least amount of damage when no one can get away from us, and we cannot get away from them?\u00a0\u00a0Filter.\u00a0\u00a0Major on the majors, and direct your reactions to the behaviors.\u00a0\u00a0Sometimes, in our presumptions, there are misinterpreted intentions.\u00a0\u00a0Focus on what happened and how it can be done better next time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fact that you have tensions in your relationships is normal.  You cannot have true intimate relationships without disagreement. You cannot live in quarantine without some conflict.  It is okay to have some tension; it does not mean you are a bad parent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Discover healthy ways to release your anger.\u00a0\u00a0Breathe.\u00a0\u00a0Walk.\u00a0\u00a0Run.\u00a0\u00a0Retreat to a safe place to calm down.\u00a0\u00a0Be honest with your family because you are all on the same team.\u00a0\u00a0I have never been trained in how to do a pandemic, and I am probably doing it pretty badly. I am sorry.\u00a0\u00a0I want you to know my heart, and I am going to try and be more loving in my words, tone, and actions.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

TEACHING SKILLS TO YOUR CHILD<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are 4 main skills that we are going to focus on here, and they are especially relevant during our COVID quarantine when you do not get much breathing room in your shared spaces.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to talk to mom and dad.<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0Expect politeness and respect.\u00a0\u00a0Your child can express his thoughts and feelings, but it does not have to be in a tone or with words that hurt the soul. It is important for children to know (even if he is 19 and has been on his own) to show proper respect to everyone (1 Peter 2:17).\u00a0\u00a0Teach them how to appeal or give a new suggestion using reason and respect.\u00a0\u00a0This will be a great life skill when dealing with future teachers and employers!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to handle sibling disagreements.<\/strong>  Encourage your children to first work out their differences on their own and not come to mom\/dad until they have tried to work it out.  Coach her to say something positive about her sister before she tells you what went wrong.  When unkind things are said\/done, we told our girls that a new habit needed to be built, so 4 kinds things needed to be done for every unkind thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What to do when other kids are unkind.<\/strong>  If they hurt you, tell them to stop.  If they continue, get help from a parent or teacher.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What to do when you are angry.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>Scripture tells us,\u00a0<\/strong>when you are angry, do not sin.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry, but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. ..<\/p>Ephesians 4:26 [The Message]<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

In our house, we would frequently say that you cannot hurt with your words or your body.  However, we did give permission for the kids to cry in their hurts.  We gave them grace for mistakes, and we gave them words to express their frustrations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The hardest part in managing conflict is that we, parents, have to be models.\u00a0\u00a0Our children will see our hypocrisy.\u00a0\u00a0However, it is never too late to stop something bad; it is never too late to start something good.\u00a0\u00a0For us, and for them!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Marv and I have been living in quarantine for over a month now.\u00a0\u00a0The novelty has worn off, and we are creating our new normal.\u00a0\u00a0Marv is counseling hurting people on the phone and with video chats from our home.\u00a0\u00a0I am teaching my music students through FaceTime and now doing speaking seminars online with Zoom.\u00a0\u00a0Our children have so generously bought and delivered us food, and I am so glad to be quarantined… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":912,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,16,8,6,34,29,17,10],"tags":[184,96,36,188,189,193,172,194,187,21,22,190,192,191,182],"class_list":["post-910","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-daughters","category-fathers","category-marriage","category-mothers","category-parenting-2","category-preschool","category-relationships","category-sons","tag-communicating","tag-communication","tag-conflict","tag-covid","tag-covid19","tag-fighting","tag-fully-invested","tag-home-schooling","tag-managing-conflict","tag-marriage-2","tag-parenting","tag-quarantine","tag-safer-at-home","tag-sequester","tag-talking"],"yoast_head":"\nFully Invested: Managing Conflict - 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