{"id":904,"date":"2020-04-01T21:56:57","date_gmt":"2020-04-02T04:56:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/warmanloving.org\/site\/?p=904"},"modified":"2022-06-21T15:45:33","modified_gmt":"2022-06-21T22:45:33","slug":"fully-invested-talking-and-listening","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/warmanloving.org\/site\/fully-invested-talking-and-listening\/","title":{"rendered":"Fully Invested: Talking And Listening"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>It is April 1, 2020, and, no joke, a lot has happened in the world the last few weeks.\u00a0 COVID-19 has been elevated to a pandemic, and Marv and I are here in Burbank adhering to Los Angeles County&#8217;s Safer-At-Home initiatives.\u00a0 My heart goes out to all the young families who have to: learn how to homeschool, juggle work-from-home, care for a senior who can&#8217;t be visited. I want to encourage you all:\u00a0 <em>You don&#8217;t have to have it together!\u00a0 You don&#8217;t have to be amazing!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As we are sequestered with our household in the same square footage of space, all this togetherness can bring out the best and worst in us.&nbsp; So as we continue our Fully Invested series, how appropriate it is that we talk about communication &#8211; talking and listening!&nbsp; Before COVID-19, we could ignore communication problems by going out or talking with other people.&nbsp; Now, we have lost many of the buffers of life and need to face some of the communication issues we have at home.&nbsp; We will start to see so many things that we need to fix, but for now, some<em><strong> selective neglect <\/strong><\/em>will be a key to your sanity.&nbsp; However, we still need to live together, love each other, and verbalize our needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">BEFORE:  HOW TO ASK FOR HELP<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Two components that facilitate good communication and asking for help are <strong>expressing expectations<\/strong> and <strong>being specific<\/strong>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>THANKING:&nbsp; When you ___, I feel ___<\/strong><em><strong>_.&nbsp;<\/strong><\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><em>When you make coffee for me in the morning, I feel so cared for!&nbsp; <\/em><\/li><li><em>When you take care of all your schooling, I feel so encouraged that you are taking responsibility for this. <\/em><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Intimate statements like these are very motivational and keep the good behavior happening!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>ASKING:&nbsp; If you would ____, I can\/feel\/think _____.<\/strong>&nbsp; <\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><em>If you would wash your own dishes, I would feel like we are a team in this and feel less overwhelmed.<\/em><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Before going to criticism, go to coaching.\u00a0 Feel free to express your heart, just as our Lord Jesus did when he said, &#8220;I am overwhelmed.&#8221;\u009d (Matthew 26:38). Be specific about your needs.  Marv often shares that a statement like, &#8220;I need help,&#8221; is typically too vague for husbands.  Rather, name your specific need.  &#8220;If you would take out the trash, I would really appreciate it!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>CONFRONTING:&nbsp; When you ____, I ____.&nbsp; <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><em>When you leave your stuff all over, I feel like a maid, and I cannot do this.&nbsp; <\/em><\/li><li><em>When you interrupt me, I feel cut off.<\/em><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Confrontation seems like a bad word, but that is because most of us do it so poorly.\u00a0 It is actually a really good word!\u00a0 Con- means with; <em>I am with you, but I am in front of you<\/em>.\u009d\u00a0 Marv once said to me, &#8220;When I come home, I know that you have been teaching all day, but you have a teacher tone when you speak to me.&#8221; I was in a habit of using my teacher-tone with him instead of a partner-tone with my husband.\u00a0 Marv was with me, but he was in front of me. \u00a0There is 5:1 compliment-to-correction guideline that suggests it takes 5 positive comments before 1 corrective comment is received.  Both positive feedback and constructive criticism are important, but they are most effective when dispensed in a 5:1 proportion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When communicating at home, it is important that you decode your needs and expectations for your family; do not assume they <em>should<\/em>\u009d know.\u00a0 You may have to ask again and confront again, but continue to be a good coach! \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">AFTER:  <del>IF<\/del> WHEN THEY FAIL<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>It is inevitable that there will be miscommunication and blow-ups. When that happens, focus on the undone action instead of the unmet expectation.\u00a0 Point to the behavior instead of the <em>YOU<\/em>\u009d.\u00a0 Restate the request to your child&#8217;s (spouse&#8217;s) advantage and encourage his spirit.\u00a0 Look for areas that your child handles well and praise him.\u00a0 <em>You are a great kid, and I know you want to manage all your schoolwork yourself.\u00a0 How can we do this better?<\/em> As long as it&#8217;s still doable, it is OK to ask (again!).\u00a0 Lastly, understand your child&#8217;s humanity &#8211; don&#8217;t excuse, but have compassion.\u00a0 Listen to his heart and ask questions like, <em>What are you missing?\u00a0 What are you grieving now that you have to do school at home?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Each day we need to GIVE and FORGIVE.&nbsp; And the next day, we start all over again.&nbsp; During this COVID-19 pandemic, we are all carrying additional stresses which affect our family dynamics.&nbsp; We are adjusting to a new normal.&nbsp; We are grieving our losses, and our children are grieving, too.&nbsp; They had no preparation &#8211; just like us.&nbsp; Listen to each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p>Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.<\/p><cite>David Augsburger<br><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>Hear more of what we are talking about in our Fully Invested series by going to : <strong> <\/strong><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"media.warmanloving.org (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"http:\/\/media.warmanloving.org\" target=\"_blank\"><strong>media.warmanloving.org<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>As we are sequestered with our household in the same square footage of space, all this togetherness can bring out the best and worst in us.  <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":905,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,16,8,6,34,29,17,10],"tags":[184,96,186,188,189,172,98,183,21,22,185,190,192,191,182],"class_list":["post-904","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-daughters","category-fathers","category-marriage","category-mothers","category-parenting-2","category-preschool","category-relationships","category-sons","tag-communicating","tag-communication","tag-correction","tag-covid","tag-covid19","tag-fully-invested","tag-help","tag-listening","tag-marriage-2","tag-parenting","tag-praise","tag-quarantine","tag-safer-at-home","tag-sequester","tag-talking"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Fully Invested: Talking And Listening - Warm an&#039; 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